the chaos of NOW

In less than two weeks, we will drive away from this house, this town, this neighborhood we have come to love.

Charlotte woke up before 6 the last two mornings and, though this isn't completely abnormal, we're all pretty exhausted. She wakes up happy, but is tired again almost immediately after breakfast and it's a struggle to find contentment until she takes her first nap. Two weeks ago I was SURE she was ready for one nap, so we did that whole gradual transition, only to realize about a week in that she was completely overtired and it wasn't working out. So back to two naps we went, but not without some fights at bedtime and, as seen today, some early morning wake ups. Why don't children come with an owners manual? 

In addition to the unpredictable sleeping habits of our toddler, baby boy has been giving me some trouble at night, too. If I wake up to use the bathroom, he wakes up, and has a party in my belly. I LOVE feeling him move around and am unbelievably grateful that he is healthy and strong, but for goodness sake, son, please be still so I can go back to sleep! 

We are in a perpetual state of "packing" and our house looks like a disaster. It's so stressful to me, but I find myself lounging around, reading blogs and Twitter during my free minutes, instead of putting things in boxes. The process of packing right now overwhelms me... We need all our stuff for the next two weeks.... What can we pack up?!

Since we will have about one month of limbo while traveling and then upon arriving in Washington, we've booked about a million appointments for these last two weeks of June... A follow up ultrasound, goodbye luncheons, dentist check ups, final meet ups with friends, midwife appointments, hair cuts, home repairs, second inspections, house sale paperwork meetings, etc. etc. etc. I can barely keep up with the daily grind, let alone the little extra details that have been added to the calendar of late. On Tuesday I almost forgot to attend my own farewell party! Who am I.. forgetting a party?! 

There's been some hype in the blog world and on social media recently about how we portray our lives as perfect, or at least wonderfully pleasant. And while I can't really fathom posting a photo of my greasy unwashed hair, or my daughter's screaming face in the middle of a tantrum, I do try to be transparent here in this space. 

So in the name of transparency, let me just say that our life is chaotic. It's very hard and very sad and very overwhelming right now. I've been crying more than usual, and Joel and I are both incredibly tired. I have snapped at Charlotte multiple times recently, and my patience with her grows thin more often than I like to admit. The weather is hot and there are messes everywhere I turn. My husband is working incredibly hard and my toddler is amazing, but I am burnt out and exhausted and so very sad. I find myself already missing my friends here, and I'm mourning the distance that will keep my family apart in the coming years. People ask me how I'm feeling, and most of the time I can show my genuine enthusiasm for the changes and adventures to come. 

I AM excited and I believe this move is what God has called us to do. 

But there is chaos RIGHT NOW, and my heart and soul are weary.