The end of nursing

As of this week, Charlotte is done nursing.

I feel a tiny bit sad, because it has been such a big part of our life together for the past fourteen months. But mostly, I feel proud of her (and of myself) for figuring it all out, and I feel intense gratitude for the support and encouragement I have received. Gosh, I'm so very grateful.

The early days of it were not easy. She was sleepy and tiny, and I was exhausted and burdened by the weight of responsibility- my milk was keeping her alive!!- and oh so emotional. A wise friend told me that nursing gets easier after the first month. So I stuck it out, and sure enough, my friend was right. There were some tricky times since those first few days- congestion, first colds, nursing strikes, being discrete in public, and the endless pumping sessions while I finished last school year. But Charlotte grew and thrived, and we bonded, and I got confident. So I can look back over these fourteen months with great fondness and humility and joy.

I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have found excellent resources on the subject of breastfeeding. There are helpful books about nursing, the internet abounds with helpful articles, and many areas have a local breastfeeding resource center with support groups and lactation consultants. I have compiled a huge collection of websites and useful links via Pinterest. The website KellyMom was an absolutely incredible resource... I sometimes referenced it three times a day! And just yesterday I read this blog post, which does a great job of covering some of the (many) concerns new moms have when starting to nurse. 

Anyway, our nursing days are over and Charlotte is deep into solid foods and she drinks whole cow's milk (mixed with some of my frozen breast milk) in a special sippy cup at bedtime. It has taken us about two months to completely "wean" and there have been some struggles and some self-doubt and some guilt (on my part) and a few tears (from both of us!). She has definitely had a harder time falling asleep this past week since she's done nursing and once or twice Joel has gone in to give her some extra snuggles. BUT, over all the whole thing went amazingly well and I'm happy to say our breastfeeding experience, and our weaning process, were a huge success. 

Here are a few tips for "weaning" that I've gathered from various websites and from my own experience:

1. Move slowly and try to follow your baby's lead. When I started decreasing from our routine of five feedings a day, I dropped one feeding in a week, then another ten to fourteen days later, and so on. Charlotte was almost a year old and eating a good amount of solids, and she didn't seem to notice. She drank more at each feeding and was getting the right amount of milk for her needs. Another benefit of weaning slowly is that your body adjusts to making less milk over time, which should help eliminate engorgement and discomfort. 

2. Be flexible and patient. For us, it was challenging to be away from home shortly after we dropped the mid-day feeding. Charlotte had a hard time settling down for her second nap without the relaxation of nursing. After struggling for a while at my parents' house one day, I turned off the lights, nursed her silently and let her drift to sleep before breaking her latch. She stayed asleep and I took a short nap snuggled up with her. I will never forget that day. It was such a precious hour in our nursing relationship. 

3. If nursing is going well and you don't need to stop sooner, try to make it for a full year. Pediatricians recommend waiting until after one to introduce cow's milk and they suggest giving formula if babies aren't receiving breast milk up until one. Since we never used formula, it just cut out one unnecessary transition. Moving to cow's milk (only at bedtime- Charlotte drinks water from a little glass during the day) directly from nursing was still tricky, but overall worked well for us because it was the only real transition we had. [Note: there's no need to stop nursing at a year! Breast milk is healthy and beneficial for toddlers well past their first birthday!] 

4. Drop the daytime feedings first; keep the early morning and before bed feedings for a while longer, as these tend to be the most significant to baby. During the day, Charlotte was very eager to eat real food and play, so it wasn't terribly difficult to drop a feeding every week or two. We kept the morning nursing for about three weeks after the day time nursings were done. She was very attached to her morning routine of coming into my room and drinking milk with me in the quiet while Joel got ready for school. One morning, though, I met her at the top of the stairs and brought her down to the table where her breakfast was ready and waiting. I was prepared to nurse if she protested at all, but she didn't seem to notice any change. Then, just this past week we stopped the nursing at bedtime and that was definitely the hardest transition. Nursing before bed really helped Charlotte calm down and settle in, so we worked hard to help develop an adapted bedtime routine. I'm very glad we didn't try to cut that feeding out before now!

5. "Don't offer, don't refuse". This is one weaning philosophy I read and while I didn't follow it fully (because I continuously offered at bedtime, even if Charlotte didn't "ask", long after all the other feedings were dropped), I think in general it's respectful to allow your baby to nurse if he or she asks. Nursing is never just about nourishment- there is a whole lot of comfort, relaxation, and snuggling involved. One night last week Charlotte wasn't very interested in drinking from her sippy cup and was getting really upset. She kept tugging on my shirt and whining, so I let her nurse (even though I was confident she wasn't getting much nourishment). It comforted her and helped ease the transition of switching to milk from a cup.

How about you, readers? Any words of wisdom to share? Experiences with nursing or weaning- good or bad...?! 

Charlotte's 1st birthday

We had an incredibly sweet celebration of our big girl last Saturday, with family and friends in attendance.

I did very little prep work ahead of time and basically took advantage of my parents' presence here on Friday to buy everything and get it all set up in time. (Thanks, parents!) We were very fortunate to use the junior high room at our church for the party. It was incredibly convenient for setting up AND I know where all the furniture goes so I could easily get it set back correctly before church on Sunday morning. Win!

The party was held during Charlotte's best time of day-- after her first nap and before her second. We made brunch foods such as fruit salad, muffins, soup, egg casserole, chicken salad, and banana bread. When I say "we made," I basically mean my mom and friends helped make. Ha. Looking back, I don't think we had quite enough food, so that's something I would go back and change if I could. It was hard to predict how much people would eat at the lunch hour and I definitely underestimated. We probably should have had bigger portions of the main dishes (like egg casserole and butternut squash soup).

Charlotte played with her little friends and people sat around and visited. We didn't have any specific agenda besides eating and singing "Happy Birthday," so our guests mingled and supervised the kids playing on the floor. Charlotte had this incredibly serious and surprised look on her face while we sang, but fortunately, she didn't cry. :)

Our girl was tuckered out afterward; she napped for over two hours!

A BIG thanks to everyone who helped us celebrate our babe. We had a wonderful day!

(Also-- I feel that her hair has gotten about 100 times curlier since her birthday 10 days ago!)

On why I'm not sad that my baby is turning one

I'm not sad that my daughter is turning one this weekend.

There. I said typed it. 

Maybe I'm cold hearted. Or unsentimental. 

But I'm not sad because I'm so happy! I am truly joyful about this big, milestone birthday! 

I am so incredibly proud of how Charlotte has developed this year. I am so incredibly grateful for the lessons we have learned as a family and the ways we have stretched. We have laughed and cried and danced and played this year. We have become stronger and wiser and more patient and more fun this year. 

Charlotte has grown (physically, of course- she has almost tripled in weight and is more than a foot taller than she was at birth!) and discovered and explored this year. She is a completely different child than she was last year, with curly hair and teeth and a personality that's full of spunk. I am completely different, Joel is different, and our family is so much more wonderful than it was before Charlotte joined us. 

So I guess I'm not sad because I'm full of joy at the life we have. I'm not sad because I'm grateful to have a healthy, happy girl who is developing at an alarmingly fast (but wonderful!) rate and who brings such goodness to our home. I'm not sad because babies are supposed to grow and change because God made them that way. I'm not sad because we as parents are simply caretakers of these beautiful beings who were created in the image of God for His glory. 

If I start to think about the day Charlotte will graduate from college, I might get a little bit sad. 

But today I'm not thinking about that. 

And I'm not sad that she's turning one tomorrow. I'm thrilled.

Post-partum tips

If you are squeamish (or a man) I highly suggest you stop reading right now and check back in a few days for less personal content (and maybe a few cute pictures of Charlotte!).

In the shower this morning, I was reflecting on the early days after Charlotte was born and mentally listing a few things I learned. Some were tips from other first-time moms, some were things I read online, and some were trial-by-error ideas that came from my own experience. 

Feel free to chime in and add any of your own great post-partum tips, but here are a few of mine, in no particular order: 

1. Take a shower every day (or more than once per day, if you choose). Having a baby is messy. The days/weeks afterward can be messy, too. I felt a million times better after my daily shower, even though I was exhausted and emotionally shaky. Hand the baby off to your husband, mom, or dad and jump in the shower even for 3 minutes. Or, if nobody is around, get in the shower the second your baby falls soundly asleep in his/her preferred safe location. I am so serious about this one. So serious that I made it my number one tip. That's serious. 

2. Encourage your husband in his new role. This is HARD but so, so life-changing. I did not do this well at first, so please hear me out. Postpartum hormones are crippling. Sleep deprivation is brutal. Screaming babies are soul-crushing. But your husband is on your side and he needs your support, too. Give him a chance to do things for your baby, even if you think your way is better. Let him change some diapers and have some snuggles. Try to carve out quiet time for just the two of you to snuggle and talk together when the baby is sleeping. Try to apologize quickly if you yell at him for something inconsequential. Try to explain your flow of tears, but also help him to know that sometimes tears (especially post-partum) have no logical explanation and that's normal. Try to ask how he is doing and try to listen well, even if your beautiful, perfect, amazing baby is there distracting you both. 

3. Ask for help, but set some limits. I really wanted my parents to come as soon as possible after Charlotte was born but I couldn't handle the idea of a crying newborn interrupting their sleep. I asked them to come and they (very graciously) agreed to stay somewhere else at night for three nights. Their help and presence during the day was invaluable, but I think it really helped us unite as a little family to be without them during the long, hard nights. Joel, Charlotte, and I figured things out on our own and I'm so grateful for that time. 

4. If you really want to breastfeed, don't give up. Our first three days were soooo rocky. They were probably the hardest days of my life. But now that we are past them, breastfeeding is easy and awesome. I got great support from some local lactation consultants, as well as my midwife, which made a big difference. I also bought a nipple shield, which saved my butt. I also knew Joel was on my team and he did whatever he could to be encouraging and helpful- total game changer. (Also- if you don't breastfeed, that's fine, and you need to give yourself some grace about it.)

5. Get some post-partum necessities. You can check out my pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding board on Pinterest, or just Google what to have at home after delivering a baby, but there are some drugstore-type things that will make recovery a lot smoother and more comfortable. Email me if you want specifics but there are lots of good lists online so I will spare you the details here.

6. Rest. Sleep. Stay in bed for 2 days, only getting up to shower, use the bathroom, and change your baby. I know, I know, I know... Everyone says to rest but how can you rest when there is so much to be done? I am telling you that nothing needs to be done except caring for yourself, your husband, and your baby (and other children, if you have them!). The dishes and laundry and cleaning can wait, or they can be done by someone else. As soon as you come home, take a nap and lay around and gaze at your baby and revel in the newness. Just rest. Trust me- you will not regret it.

BONUS: a few great reads on this subject...
Own the Night
It's Their Day, Too
Infancy, Again.
Ten True Things
Things for Dads to Know about Birth
Things for Dads to Know about the First Few Weeks

What tips helped you make it through those early, hazy, newborn days? 

More adventures in solids!

In the last two weeks, Charlotte has tried:

Chicken sausage with the skin removed, more green beans, clementine slices, avocado with skin attached, hot dog  (cut into finger shapes, with the skin removed), pizza crust, more broccoli, shredded chicken, small strips of soft grilled chicken, banana (cut into finger shapes, with the peel on one side), tiny pieces of shredded cheddar cheese, cantaloupe (didn't work well; it was so soft that she kept getting pieces that were too big and gagging them out- repeatedly), baby spinach, lettuce, shredded carrots, and pineapple (too tart!). 

Broccoli, shredded chicken, and banana seem to be the things she actually ate the most. Broccoli is sooooo messy but she can hold it really well and seems to get a lot in her mouth and swallowed, so that's great. She has been very proud and excited to be a part of meal time lately. One tricky thing is that dinner is right before she goes to bed so sometimes she is very tired and gets worn out from working so hard to get food. However, most nights she is pleasant and really seems to enjoy eating dinner with her family. She has excellent concentration and we are all impressed with her coordination and fine motor skills. (Though not so impressed with the evening shadows that make her face look black & blue in the second photo below!)

In regards to baby-led weaning (BLW), these are the questions I get most often when I explain how we have introduced solids: 

1. Aren't you afraid she will choke?

2. Aren't you supposed to wait a few days after each food, in case of allergies? 

These are both legitimate questions and I want to address them, but I think the short answer is that we don't live in fear. All of parenting, all of life, is about making choices and walking in truth. Charlotte could certainly choke on a piece of food (now, or when she is 2 years old, or when she is 21 years old!). Charlotte might get an allergic reaction to something we feed her, which could require serious medical attention. Both of those realities dwell in my mind. And while it is wise to be cautious, we don't live in fear. She could also get in a car crash or bump her head on our furniture or get terrible diaper rash or get kidnapped or any other horrible thing I might imagine. 

Allergies are real and some can be very serious. However, my understanding is that there are a few highly allergenic foods (peanuts, dairy, etc.) which require us to be cautious, but most foods aren't going to be a problem. Who is allergic to red pepper? Or avocado? Also- we have no food allergies on either side of our family, so it is unlikely Charlotte will have any. So far she doesn't, so yay! 

In regards to the choking issue, the key thing to remember is the difference between gagging and choking. Babies have very sensitive gag reflexes, which are triggered easily, and cause them to push forward any food they aren't ready to swallow. Gagging happens even with puréed foods when babies first start learning how to eat more than breast milk or formula. This week Charlotte was gnawing on a wedge of clementine. She got about half of it in her mouth and was sort of moving it around for a while... After a minute she made this terrible face, gagged, and slowly spit the piece out onto her lap. Then she picked up a new slice and began gnawing on that. While it startled me a little, I recognize that she was doing exactly what her body is designed to do. She was in control, she was working it out, and she was learning to eat. So I gave her a big smile and said, "Nice job!" :) 

There are a few safety precautions when implementing baby led weaning. I highly recommend reading this book/cookbook, or at least looking around online for more information, but basically we do two things carefully: We don't leave Charlotte unattended with food (I actually watch her like a hawk the entire time!) and we don't put any food in her mouth (because this completely works against her natural gag reflex and makes her far more likely to actually choke).

BLW is a safe, easy, and wonderful way for babies to learn to eat. We are having so much fun with it!

working mom: making it work

People keep being surprised or impressed that I finished out the school year starting when Charlotte was just seven weeks old. Here's what I tell them about how mommy-life and working life can go hand in hand:

Praise God for providing loving friends and family members to watch your baby girl.


And there you have it, folks.
That's the only way we made it work.
And we are unbelievably grateful.

Baked oatmeal // boosting milk supply

You, dear readers, have two choices when it comes to this post.

1. Read this recipe, make the oatmeal, and treasure its deliciousness

2. Do all of number one, then continue reading further down the page, for a short discussion on breastfeeding and boosting milk supply

Okay, here we go: back in October, I went to visit my friend who was nursing her one month old baby. While at her house, we ate baked oatmeal for breakfast twice. It was totally awesome so I copied down the recipe, thinking it would be good to keep me full in the morning. Once I went back to work and was trying to pump enough milk for Charlotte three times a day at school, I ate this oatmeal almost every morning. It is super easy and yummy!

Baked Oatmeal:
Grease 8x8 pan and preheat oven to 350. 
In a medium sized bowl mix 1/2 cup oil, 2 eggs, and 1/2 cup sugar. 
Then add 1 teaspoon salt, 2 teaspoons baking powder, 1 1/2 cup old fashioned oats & 1 1/2 cup quick oats. 
Mix, then add 1 cup milk. 
Sprinkle frozen berries on top and bake for 25-35 minutes

Apparently oatmeal is lactogenic, which means it's good for helping nursing mothers build or maintain their milk supply. Especially when moms are pumping, it's really challenging to keep up with babies' needs for milk. Eating this oatmeal every morning really boosted my energy and helped me stay full until snack in addition to helping my milk supply in the morning be really great. I am so thankful for this recipe and this knowledge, as well as two amazing supportive colleagues who helped me make nursing work.

(Annnnnd.... a cute [but old!] photo of my growing babe. Love her little face!)

Dear Charlotte, 4

Little one, 

You are a mystery to us! At 6:45 tonight I started nursing you. By 7:15 your tummy was full and you were fast asleep in my arms. I set you in the crib and you stayed soundly asleep. I came downstairs, made dinner, talked to your dad, and sat down to eat. We figured you were out for the night. 

At 8:30 you started whimpering, then fussing louder, then full out crying. I went up and snuggled you, but you weren't happy with that and you cried harder when I put you back down. We waited about 5 minutes, then your daddio came up to try the same thing. You screamed bloody murder at him and wouldn't settle down a bit. 

After a few more minutes, we came up together. We changed your diaper and quietly read a book together. Then your dad kissed you goodnight and I put your owl in your arms. 

You snuggled up to me and held your owl tightly. After 2 minutes I put you quietly in your crib and kissed your chubby cheeks. 

Not a peep was hard on the monitor and when I checked in 10 minutes later, you were completely asleep! 

We are dumbfounded! We cannot fathom why you woke up or why you settled so easily after that. You sure keep us on our toes, Charlotte Adeline! 

Lots of love, 

Momma

The next time

Now that summer is here and life is slowing down, I have gotten some quiet nursing sessions where I just enjoy my little love and think about the early days of her life.

In reality, I think with anxiety about those early days and silently celebrate that things are much, much smoother now. Charlotte is an absolutely delightful baby and I'm honored to be her momma. The first month of her life was super hard, but I learned many lessons and have grown a lot since her birth.

We hope to have more kids some day and often I think about what I will do again (and what I definitely will NOT do!) if there's a next time. I don't imagine myself using this list any time soon, but I want it tucked away for future reference.

• I will swaddle. Praise the Lord for that cozy Halo sleepsack swaddle! Even though it was tough to transition out of using the swaddle at 3.5 months, it made the early days so much easier. Charlotte slept soundly in it!
• I will try to remember that newborns nurse far more frequently than one would think and sometimes just the comfort of Mom settles them down. I won't will try not to say to myself, "WHAT?! She JUST finished eating! How can she be hungry again?!," like I did the first time around... 
• I won't try to nurse my 24-hour old baby in a hard, uncomfortable rocking chair in her room, simply to try and protect my sleeping husband. Joel would wake up anyway, and our bed is a far more comfortable and far less isolating place to try to figure out feeding a newborn. 
• I will have a nipple shield, vitamin E oil, and a manual breast pump ready for those early days of engorgement and horrifying pain.
• I will nap when the baby naps (as much as will be possible with another child running around! ha!)
• I will try to make more meals ahead of time.
• I won't feel guilty eating takeout pizza 8 hours after my baby is born. 
• I will try to establish a pattern of eating, awake time, sleeping. I really think this contributed to Charlotte's healthy sleeping patterns because she doesn't need me to nurse her to sleep. 
• I will remind myself that nursing my baby to sleep isn't going to ruin her for life. :)
• I will introduce a "lovey" around 4 months, like we did recently, to help my baby settle down for sleep. Charlotte has only been using her little owl for 10 days but she is definitely attached and it definitely helps her calm down and fall asleep!
• I won't wait until 1 month to try cloth diapers. I had it in my head they wouldn't fit at first, but I think they probably would have.
• I won't pressure myself to use cloth if I'm not ready or am feeling overwhelmed. I was happy to wait a month to use cloth simply because the first month was full of so many new challenges and struggles.

How about you? Any life lessons learned with baby that you're tucking away for the future?

May 19th

One year ago yesterday we found out about Charlotte. We didn't know she was going to be Charlotte, but we were so, so excited to know a baby was on the way. Here's what I wrote that day, in all its raw emotion. 

After three minutes of waiting, and 11 months of trying, this morning we saw our first “pregnant” test result. I said, “Oh my gosh!!”and Joel came quickly across the hall, to the bathroom from the office, saying,“You’re pregnant?!”

We’ve done this drill before. He distracts himself while I pee on the stick. Then I putz around for three minutes, only to see the “not pregnant” result. Every single time. This time was different.

My hands shook as we hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed. 

“Congratulations, Mama” he whispered. 

I kept saying, “I can’t believe it. Can you believe it?” 

“No,” he would say.

I am seriously shocked. I cannot fathom that my good, miracle-working, forgiving God has chosen to give us this gift. Despite my ugly, nasty selfishness. Despite my doubt and fear and anger at his timing. Despite my despair and frustration every month.

The timing is seriously perfect. Halfway through my fast from blogs and social media. At a time when I am most in tune with God’s love for me and what it means to obey him at all costs. I am in utter disbelief and gratitude for this miracle of life. The life that has been made of our love, our marriage, simply because God chose to bring us together.

When I reflect on the painful eleven months we were hopingand praying for a baby, the timing really does make perfect sense. 

God wanted this to be His “Yes,” and my “THANK YOU.” 
Not my “All the things I tried finally worked.”

(One year later, I'm still filled with gratitude and awe that God has given us this beautiful gift)

8:00 Monday morning

This morning I nursed Charlotte for her 8am Monday feeding for the last time for awhile...

So I snapped a photo of us snuggled up on our bed together. Sure, it's mostly her little body, but my PJ pants and feet made an appearance. And sure, she's only wearing a diaper and it's blurry, but this picture is significant.

Next Monday, someone else will give my babe her 8:00 feeding. And every Monday through Friday for the foreseeable future, someone will feed her a bottle at 8am. And 11am. And 1pm, too.

Next Monday marks my first day at work in 7 weeks. I've been so blessed with time getting to know Charlotte, so grateful for the chance to hang out and watch her grow.

I'm also blessed with a great job at a great school. With amazing students and a supportive community. Plus, quality people will be caring for Charlotte until school gets out for the summer.

So I'm grateful, and I'm looking forward to teaching again. But 8:00 this Monday morning was still quite bittersweet.

All week long I'm planning to savor every feeding, every diaper change, every cry, and every snuggle. Because 8:00 next Monday morning is coming fast.

I was angry

When Charlotte was 5 days old and we were without power, staying overnight at our friends' house, she woke up sooner than I thought she should after being put to bed.

She wailed and wouldn't be soothed and as I rolled out of bed to pick her up to nurse, I was angry.

I held her, grabbed my shirt quickly up, and pulled her to me somewhat roughly.

As she latched on and began to eat, I immediately started sobbing, dripping tears on her little face- appalled at the way my heart had sinned against my tiny, hungry daughter.

I was so ashamed of my anger, so frustrated at myself for being annoyed at her utter baby-ness. She was hungry and upset and I had the means to soothe her, but I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I wanted her to sleep longer and I don't know, maybe... need me less....?

When I confessed my feelings and actions to Joel, he showed me much grace. He comforted me with the reality that I will sin against Charlotte so many more times in her life, but that Jesus offers forgiveness for even those sins I commit quietly in my heart. I cried again and have cried many times since that day, as I dwell on the reality of my heart and as I am frustrated with her many times for simply being a baby.

As overwhelming as my love for her can be, I'm also tired and emotional. I get angry when my dinner plans are interrupted and annoyed when I have to change yet another onesie in the middle of the night. My sweet daughter is, sadly, going to be very aware of my human-ness as she grows.

I only hope that this process of mothering Charlotte will draw me closer to Jesus and sanctify me more and more. I only hope that my baby will see Christ in me as I fail and confess and repent and change. And fail and confess and repent and change again. I only hope that I will show her grace and patience as she sins against me, and that I will point her to the cross every single time.

Also-- this post. Amazing. 

One month old!

Happy birthday, Charlotte!

You are actually 5 weeks old this weekend, but we had your one month checkup on Friday morning so I am writing all about you now.

You weigh 9 pound, 7.5 ounces. That's about two pounds gained since birth.Way to go!

You are 22.7 inches long, which, hilariously, puts you in the 90th percentile!! We guessed you would get Dad's genes there, kiddo!


The worst part of your checkup was the second Hep.B shot the nurse gave you. Oh. Did your face get red as you cried in pain! Fortunately, they let us hang out quietly in the exam room so you could nurse before we drove home. They are nice, those pediatricians.

Here are some things you've enjoyed lately:

Stretching! You are long and lean and you love to stretch your arms above your head, especially when you first wake up from your nap!

Wearing your awesome new headband. 

Snoozing with Dad in the Ergo while I make dinner.

Taking a short road trip to New Jersey to have lunch with your Granddad. You actually slept through our lunch, but got to snuggle with Granddad before you ate your own lunch. You like listening to him sing "your song."

Making funny faces for the camera (That's my girl!).

Representin' West Philadelphia, Fresh-Prince style. And hating it ;)

And trying out your new cloth diapers! They fit your skinny legs! So exciting!

the birth of Charlotte Adeline

Disclaimer: slightly graphic post ahead, including some non-graphic photos.

I spent the first day of my maternity leave wandering around IKEA, hoping to "walk this baby out." I was so ready for her to come and I didn't want to "waste" many of my days off without an actual baby. In the afternoon I went shopping at Wegmans, feeling irregular contractions that sometimes made me stop to breathe. Joel and I went out to dinner and had friends over to play games. I knew I needed to be distracted from the waiting. My friends brought some spices to help me kick start labor. I told them I was pretty sure things were already moving, but I didn't want to get my hopes up.

We went to bed around 11 and I woke up at 1 with much stronger contractions. I got in the shower to manage them and let Joel sleep another hour. I woke Joel up around 2 saying, "I need some help." At that point I was confident this was the real deal but had no idea how much longer I would be laboring.

The hours we spent at home are all a blur. I know I took at least two more showers. I know Joel called Melissa, my BFF and doula. I know they both rubbed my back. I know I was tired. I know I sat on the toilet- a lot. I know I threw up twice. I know I asked for counter pressure, some hip squeezing. I know I walked the upstairs hallway, back and forth. I know Melissa helped me breathe deeply and slowly. I know Joel got all our bags ready by the door. I know Melissa made our bed. I know I drank water. I know when we called the birth center's on- call phone the midwife talked me through some contractions and told me I could stay home longer. Twice.

Around 7 am Joel drove me to the birth center. I spent all ten minutes of that drive on my knees, leaning over the back of my seat. I absolutely couldn't sit on my butt- my back killed me and contractions were coming fast!!

Upon arriving at the birth center, I was already 6 centimeters dilated. The baby's head was really low, which was making me feel the need to push even though it definitely wasn't time. The midwife on call wasn't the one we'd seen most, but she told me they were changing shifts at 8am so "my" midwife would be on her way shortly. I love both of the midwives and was pleased to have both of them involved in my labor, but I was really thrilled that the one we knew best would likely be there to deliver our baby. I quickly got in the jacuzzi tub and labored there for the next three hours.

Joel and Melissa took turns massaging my back and doing hip squeezes through contractions. The pain was unbelievable and I couldn't handle it except with their help. Being in the water was amazing; between contractions I could lean back into the jets and let my body relax a little. During my time in the tub I often felt the urge to push. Melissa or Sarah, my midwife, would help me breathe through each contraction when I said, "It's so hard not to push!!" over and over and over again. I was moaning and breathing and hanging out on my hands and knees as labor progressed quite quickly.

The next time I got out of the tub to be checked, I was 8 centimeters so back into the tub I went. During that check, Sarah did some maneuvering with my cervix because the baby's head was still low, but I wasn't open quite enough for her to actually start moving through.

A little before 10am, Sarah suggested I was probably close to being fully dilated so I should get out of the tub. Lying on my back to be checked was total torture so once we discovered I was 10 centimeters, Sarah let me get on my hands and knees to push.

The pushing was horrendous- unbelievably painful and so so hard! I can't imagine pushing for longer than I did, though I know most people have a much longer time of it. I had Joel's hand being crushed on my left and Melissa massaging my back/butt on the right. Sarah was coaching me and encouraging me and telling me exactly what I needed to do. After a little while she had me lie on my side and hold my right leg up. This gave me a chance to focus and I tried so hard to breathe deeply and push when the contractions came. Joel was holding my hand and letting me squeeze his to death and keeping a cool washcloth on my face/forehead. Melissa helped immensely by giving a running commentary... "Ohhhh, Kell, I can see her head!"Just the words I needed to hear, as I couldn't see at all and the pushing didn't feel like it was accomplishing much.

At one point Sarah let me feel Charlotte's little head, which was slimy and hairy and amazing. That slimy, hairy, amazing head gave me the courage and stamina to keep pushing despite the piercing pain of my body parts stretching to beyond their maximum capacity. It's a bit hazy now, but at some point once Charlotte's head was out, there was a bit of a stall and Sarah had me switch back to pushing on my hands and knees. I got really scared because I was afraid something was wrong and immediately started praying and crying, "Lord, please let her be fine. God, help me. Don't let her be in distress. Please keep her safe, Lord." I think I asked Joel to pray through my fears, too, but I don't remember if it was during this stage.

Right around 10:20 am on Friday, January 31st, my sweet darling girl came flying out and was caught by Sarah, who immediately put her up by my head so I could see her beautiful (bloody!) body. Charlotte Adeline Alberts came into the world with her tiny fist squished up against her cheek. She had a little bruise on the right side of her face, due to that hand blocking her exit. That tiny fist made me tear slightly, so once Charlotte was checked out and placed on my chest, Sarah had to do a few small stitches. Charlotte's head was cone shaped and Joel told me later that he wondered why his wife had birthed an alien! She snuggled up with me under some blankets and our birth dream team took care of everything else. Joel and I just gazed at her and I took some deep breaths and reveled in the reality that I'd just pushed a 7.5 pound human out of my body.

The entire experience was incredible and painful and heart-wrenching and scary and perfect and beautiful. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful first labor and delivery. I couldn't have imagined a better team supporting me the entire way.

Though bringing Charlotte into the world was physically the hardest thing I have ever done, it was the most rewarding and the most wonderful. 

 

All images by Melissa of Melissa Hassey Photography.

Charlotte snoozing

Oh my goodness, I have so much to write!

My heart is constantly exploding with love for this baby girl and for my amazing husband.

I am overwhelmed with joy and gratitude, blown away by God's goodness to me. I don't deserve this life. Big sigh.

I'm working on Charlotte's birth story, a post about our favorite baby things after just two weeks, my little heavyweight champion and what it was like learning to feed her, and how our "village" helped us raise our child in her first week of life. All those will wait, though, because right now my daughter is snoozing and I just want to gaze at her perfect little body.

Oh, and clean up the poop stains all over the bath mat because she had an explosion the last time I changed her diaper and didn't get the new one on quickly enough...

all this free time

Okay, baby, in case you are a genius and can already read (not to mention see through layers of skin & organs!), here's a little note from me to you:

COME ON OUT! WE ARE DYING TO MEET YOU!

Today marks 40 weeks of pregnancy, aka: the official due date. I had no idea how annoying and frustrating it would be to wait beyond the day we've been holding onto in our minds. I even said multiple times, "I don't really expect her to come by then," whenever Joel announced our due date.

But apparently I did expect her to come by now.

Because I'm getting increasingly tired of being pregnant and increasingly antsy for labor to just.start.already. Yesterday was a bit of a tease because my contractions increased in frequency and strength and both of us got excited that maybe she was on her way.

Anyway, I leave work each day with nothing undone, just in case I go into labor and the sub has to start the next morning. I don't even bring home papers to grade, just in case. So, I have all this free time on my hands. And just in case you're all dying of curiosity, here's a quick list of things I'm doing with all this free time:

1. wrapping my parents' birthday presents. for their birthday which is at the end of February. ha.
2. making two birth playlists- one upbeat and one quiet
3. looking at newborn & labor/delivery photos on Pinterest
4. looking at recipes I have no intention of making on Pinterest
5. walking the mall. walking Target. walking the freezing cold streets. walking up the stairs in my house.
6. looking through the baby clothes. for the millionth time.
7. eating most of the Lindt dark chocolate truffles I bought two weeks ago and put into our "birth center bag"
8. re-organizing my Pinterest boards
9. making a meal for the freezer, to eat once we come home from the birth center
10. looking through my birth center bag to make sure I have everything
11. using the bathroom. like constantly.
12. finishing reading "Mockingjay" for the second time, even though it'll be a million years before the movie(s) come out!
13. snuggling with Joel
14. watching shows on Netflix
15. bouncing on my labor ball
16. hanging out in the nursery
17. daydreaming about meeting this little one. hopefully it's SOON!

the waiting game

Yes, I'm still going to church. Yes, I'm still teaching. No, the baby hasn't arrived. No, I don't know whether I'm dilated or effaced yet. Yes, everything in the nursery is ready. Yes, my classroom is completely set for a sub to take over at any time. Yes, I'm scared stiff. No, I'm not prepared for the pain of childbirth. No, I don't have any idea how big this child will be. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I put together the new (awesome!) travel crib my co-workers surprised me with last Friday. Yes, I took it down shortly afterward so our basement wasn't overrun with baby stuff.

These answers and more have crossed my lips or my mind in the last few days. We're one week from our "due date" and baby could arrive any time. I fully anticipate she could be "late" and I could still be waiting almost three weeks from today. I'm antsy and nervous and excited and uncertain and utterly breathless with joy & anticipation.

So the real question becomes this: how do I play the waiting game well?

How do I love Joel tenderly when my mind is so focused on the unknowns of life to come?
How do I communicate with my friends and family about things other than this little child?
How do I focus my mind enough to pray for the needs of others?
How do I sleep when nothing is comfortable?
How do I honor the Lord with my time, my energy, my heart?

These questions and more are ever-present as I meander through this waiting game. 

overwhelmed

Last spring when I found out I'd been offered a full-time teaching position for this school year I drove home after work to tell Joel. He was thrilled and I cried my eyes out.

I was thrilled, too, but at 7 weeks pregnant I was completely overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed at the idea of getting what I'd wanted all year. At the thought of delivering a baby midway through a school year. At the possibility of being in my own classroom with a bunch of little tykes learning from me every day. At the perfect provision of a good God who was allowing me to be a teacher again AND had given me the gift of a little life growing quietly inside.

Today on my way home I cried my eyes out again.

Because I'm overwhelmed again.

By my fears of inadequacy. By my worries about maintaining a nursing relationship with my daughter after just 6 weeks at home. By the uncertainty of finances and what we'll do next year. By this powerful, consuming love for a child I've never seen. By the way her tiny heels kicking my right side can completely blow me away. By my husband who graciously rubs my back when it's sore and tells me I'm beautiful time after time. By my colleagues who cover dismissal duty for me when I leave early for pre-natal appointments. By the same good God who has equipped me to teach, and to grow a healthy baby, and to know him intimately, all at the same time, despite my failures.

I guess what I've learned since that exciting day last June is that feeling overwhelmed can be a good thing. If it breaks me down and puts me in a place of dependence on my good God, overwhelmed is exactly what I should be.

the finished nursery

Right off the bat I feel the need to say I'm not super excited about these photos. I took them in the morning when the bright sunshine was reflecting off the 6 inches of snow outside both windows.

BUT I am super excited about our girl's completed nursery, which is just waiting for her arrival so we can all enjoy it together!

The funny space between the two gray frames on this gallery wall will hold a turquoise letter for baby's name. It's hidden in the closet until she actually arrives. My generous mom helped me arrange the entire wall AND kept her eyes closed so we could check the letter's fit without her seeing it. Thanks, Mom! :)

So many of the things in this room were given with love, saved from my childhood bedroom, or hand-made by friends or family members.

All the items were carefully chosen and the room already brings Joel and I such happiness. Sometimes I catch him in there, just looking around. More often he catches me in there, just rearranging the clothes. Again.

Also, here's a budget breakdown and list of where all the fun stuff in the nursery came from, if you're interested:
crib: wal-mart (gift from Grandma Alberts)
crib mattress: amazon (bought with $ from a friend)
dresser: found on the side of the road and re-finished/re-painted by us! The gray paint was left over from our bedroom. Free
curtains: similar from IKEA. $20
closet curtain: this set from IKEA. We only used one for the closet; the other is still available for use.  $10
elephant poster with frame:  IKEA, too. $20 total
white photo ledges: $20 for two
rocking chair: moved from our living room Free
off-white lamp on dresser: clearance at Marshalls $22
assorted wire and wicker baskets: Marshalls/TJMaxx clearance About $35 bucks total
pink "baby 'berts" banner: handmade by my friend Becca for our shower <3
gallery wall: (cross-stitch frame and Japanese girl in tree- from my childhood room; colorful landscape- made by Joel's Oma; curious George canvas- gift from my mom last year; colored paper in gray frame- wrapping paper I purchased at a boutique in Baltimore last year; kissing photo- taken on our first trip to Washington state together about 2 years ago) Free
clock: IKEA $15