3-0

In college we watched (and re-watched) the movie, "13 Going on 30." The movie is funny, as chick flicks go, and my friends and I can quote most of the dialogue by heart.

One silly line is, "I'm thirty, flirty, and thriving."

Well, if we get rid of the "flirty" part, that sums me up right about now: thirty and thriving.

My marriage is healthy and my husband is the absolute best man on the planet. I've got this beautiful eight month old daughter, who I could never have imagined loving so much. I recently started a new job working with middle school-ers and I totally love it (it's flexible and I can bring my babe along to hang out with the kids!). Our extended family lives far away but we really get to see them pretty often, considering the distance between us.

It's fall and our house is cozy and most days are moderately paced. We get pretty consistent sleep at night and a few quiet napping hours during the day.

My early birthday present was the camera of my dreams and I have time and energy to play around with it and figure out all the bells and whistles. My husband and friends threw me a sneaky surprise party last Saturday night while Charlotte slept upstairs (!!).

We are healthy and have a great community and we make each other laugh. Charlotte lights up our world and brings us incredible joy. The days are not without challenges but our faith is strong and our God is sovereign.

So, here's to 30. I can't wait to see what the next decade brings.

#oldanddirtymirror :)

the end of oktoberfest

Five years ago this month my friends and I were in the midst of planning our first annual "Oktoberfest."

Unlike most celebrations with this name, ours was intended to be a family friendly event, complete with apple picking, pie baking, yard games, and high quality beer.

Ours was also the first time I introduced Joel to my other friends.

He and I had only recently started spending time together. He'd gotten home from Michigan a month before and we'd gone out maybe 3 or 4 times. I hesitantly called him at the last second to issue an Oktoberfest invitation, under pressure from my friends who (of course) had heard all about him.

Joel's parents were in town and he wasn't able to join the apple picking part of the day, but said he'd come in the evening. On the way home from apple picking, I became mysteriously car sick. My stomach was in pain, I had a headache, and I felt really nauseous.  I couldn't figure out the sudden carsick-ness until I realized it was really just nerves. Having this guy I was into meet all of my other friends made me equal parts anxious and over the top excited.

How would I introduce him? What would he think of my friends? What would they think of him? Would we be able to talk comfortably? Did he like groups and parties? All these questions ran through my mind as I waited for him to arrive.

The evening went smoothly. I became far less anxious once Joel actually showed up and we started hanging out. My friends were impressed. He was easy to talk to and didn't judge me for not knowing how to pour my beer from a keg. He didn't stay too late; I had time to debrief with my roommate afterwards and we declared the whole thing a big success.

For the last five years we've attended at least bits and pieces of each Oktoberfest.

This year our group made a collective decision not to host the party and while I'm not disappointed, it feels a bit sad and a bit strange for the tradition to die. I hold such sweet memories of that first party and will never forget spending time with Joel that night.

I'm so glad the story didn't end there and that we get to do life together still. With or without Oktoberfest. xoxo.

I was angry

When Charlotte was 5 days old and we were without power, staying overnight at our friends' house, she woke up sooner than I thought she should after being put to bed.

She wailed and wouldn't be soothed and as I rolled out of bed to pick her up to nurse, I was angry.

I held her, grabbed my shirt quickly up, and pulled her to me somewhat roughly.

As she latched on and began to eat, I immediately started sobbing, dripping tears on her little face- appalled at the way my heart had sinned against my tiny, hungry daughter.

I was so ashamed of my anger, so frustrated at myself for being annoyed at her utter baby-ness. She was hungry and upset and I had the means to soothe her, but I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I wanted her to sleep longer and I don't know, maybe... need me less....?

When I confessed my feelings and actions to Joel, he showed me much grace. He comforted me with the reality that I will sin against Charlotte so many more times in her life, but that Jesus offers forgiveness for even those sins I commit quietly in my heart. I cried again and have cried many times since that day, as I dwell on the reality of my heart and as I am frustrated with her many times for simply being a baby.

As overwhelming as my love for her can be, I'm also tired and emotional. I get angry when my dinner plans are interrupted and annoyed when I have to change yet another onesie in the middle of the night. My sweet daughter is, sadly, going to be very aware of my human-ness as she grows.

I only hope that this process of mothering Charlotte will draw me closer to Jesus and sanctify me more and more. I only hope that my baby will see Christ in me as I fail and confess and repent and change. And fail and confess and repent and change again. I only hope that I will show her grace and patience as she sins against me, and that I will point her to the cross every single time.

Also-- this post. Amazing. 

my better half

Today is my better half's birthday and I dedicate this post and this day to celebrating him!

As I mentioned in my birth story post, Joel was the absolute best support person during labor and delivery. He's my number one fan in all things related to Charlotte's care.  He advocates for me to breastfeed. He holds me when I cry. He lets me talk on and on about the mundane tasks of days with a newborn. He steps up to wash basically all the dishes because Charlotte sometimes nurses after dinner and my hands are occupied. He gets up to help with middle-of-the-night diaper changes and re-swaddles. He patiently gives his opinion and his support on big & small decisions.

PLUS, he is the absolute sweetest dad. Joel and Charlotte often read books together and he wears her with pride in our Ergo carrier, either for a day at the zoo or just walking around the house to help her sleep before dinner.

He is a champion diaper changer and bath giver and super tight swaddler. Charlotte CAN'T break out of the sleep sack when Joel puts her to bed, which means she sleeps longer and cozier. Awesome!

Joel loves Charlotte so tenderly; he snuggles her when she is mad and whispers sweetly to her as they walk around the house.  He carefully tucks her little arms in her clothes during changes and says, "Hi!" so so brightly when she wakes up from her naps.

One of my most sacred memories from Charlotte's first few days is the way Joel cared for my heart during the struggles of new motherhood. Charlotte and I were figuring out nursing and often when I was holding her, she was crying and frustrated. Once she settled down and was resting peacefully, Joel would bring her (all snuggled up!) to me so I could have a turn hanging out with a quiet, content baby. He would say, "Here, Mom. You need to hold her while she's happy." <3

Joel, you are the most amazing husband and dad ever! I love you and Charlotte loves you!

the waiting game

Yes, I'm still going to church. Yes, I'm still teaching. No, the baby hasn't arrived. No, I don't know whether I'm dilated or effaced yet. Yes, everything in the nursery is ready. Yes, my classroom is completely set for a sub to take over at any time. Yes, I'm scared stiff. No, I'm not prepared for the pain of childbirth. No, I don't have any idea how big this child will be. Yes, I'm excited. Yes, I put together the new (awesome!) travel crib my co-workers surprised me with last Friday. Yes, I took it down shortly afterward so our basement wasn't overrun with baby stuff.

These answers and more have crossed my lips or my mind in the last few days. We're one week from our "due date" and baby could arrive any time. I fully anticipate she could be "late" and I could still be waiting almost three weeks from today. I'm antsy and nervous and excited and uncertain and utterly breathless with joy & anticipation.

So the real question becomes this: how do I play the waiting game well?

How do I love Joel tenderly when my mind is so focused on the unknowns of life to come?
How do I communicate with my friends and family about things other than this little child?
How do I focus my mind enough to pray for the needs of others?
How do I sleep when nothing is comfortable?
How do I honor the Lord with my time, my energy, my heart?

These questions and more are ever-present as I meander through this waiting game. 

Recommended reading

I've only been home from work for 15 minutes but I've already consumed multiple handfuls of sweet potato tortilla chips AND read two amazing blog posts.

I'd love to share the posts here, in case you are interested in some wise after-work reading.

1. http://kincaidparade.com/2014/01/when-your-new-years-resolutions-find-you.html

2. http://wheremyheartresides.com/2014/01/10/year-dates/

Ready to start the weekend, friends.

Next week I hope to share our little lady's finished nursery. So stay tuned for that.

Our life right now

The timing of Christmas break is amazingly perfect. Two whole weeks to relax and nest and get ahead on school work, just before baby's arrives!

I'm trying to truly savor these lazy mornings with Joel. Our life together is so precious. I'm thrilled to parent alongside him, but it's bittersweet to know that we won't be just US again for a while. We have a beautiful life right now and the change to come is scary sometimes.

Our house is also showing subtle signs of baby's impending arrival.

Bottles sterilized and waiting to be used.
An exercise ball in the living room to be used during early labor at home.
Crib sheets in their packages waiting to be washed in fragrance-free detergent.
A few more pink clothes laying around.
Some Christmas decor still up as we finish the holiday season.
Pacifiers. Diapers. Bibs.

Oh, I love our life right now. And I bet our life six weeks from now will be darn awesome, too.