my two cents on "potty training"

I'm not a potty training expert, and don't claim to be. My experience is limited to my own two children, which is far from a reasonable sample size.

But my experience with potty training has been very positive overall (!!!), and I'd love to support other parents in what is often (or is often viewed as) a difficult and stressful process. 

My first, and most important, piece of advice is to buy the ebook "Three day potty training," by Lora Jensen. The author IS an expert, and her method is very straight forward, gentle, and effective. We followed this ebook to a T with both kids. I cannot recommend it enough. The Kindle version is $7.99-- you seriously can't beat that! Totally worth every single cent. 

Based on the ebook and my own experience potty training Charlotte and Asher, here's what I think are the most important ideas. 

1. "Readiness" is overrated. I decided to train both of my kids at times that worked for our family. It was summer, Joel had flexible hours, the weather was great so we could be outside, my friends were in town and could help with childcare, and we didn't have any big commitments or travel plans. Both Charlotte and Asher could communicate their needs/ wants and both were able to recognize when their diaper was poopy (and could verbalize when they were actually pooping!! ha!). Based on some reading, it seems that 20-30 months is the ideal time to potty train. Charlotte was exactly 30 months and Asher was just over 22 months. *I definitely wouldn't suggest going past the 30 month range-- for us, the 2.5-3 year window brought lots of defiance, which doesn't lend itself to learning such a big skill.* We had very little resistance from Asher at his young age. He's been very willing to use the potty and very enthusiastic about telling us when he has to go. I'd say it was actually easier to train him because he was so eager to please and willing to come along with me for things. Based just on my two kids, I absolutely don't support the sentiment that boys are harder to train-- frankly, I think the only thing more difficult is making sure to aim correctly so there's not a mess of urine all around the toilet. Ha! 

2. Go cold turkey. Don't use pull-ups. Don't switch back and forth based on circumstances or location. Just stay home for a week so you can control the setting and not be anxious about accidents in public places. Accidents are absolutely vital to success in potty training-- kids must feel wet and recognize the necessity of keeping their underwear dry. Pull-ups do not help with this recognition; they feel like diapers. Also, a tip-- roll up your rugs and lock the door on carpeted rooms! Hardwood floors and tile are your BFFs during potty training. ;)

(*A note about our family: Charlotte was 2.5 years old when we trained her, and we did underwear at nap time and bedtime from the beginning. She woke up with a wet bed for three nights, then consistently got herself up to pee and went right back to bed/ sleep. Some nights she woke up to pee twice. She never went back to diapers and we didn't consider pull-ups at all. Just recently she started sleeping many nights all the way through, without waking to use the bathroom at all, but most nights she will use the bathroom once. Asher was under two years when we trained him, and the nights didn't go as smoothly. For a full week we put undies on him at bedtime, and he would wet his underwear but keep sleeping, then wake up hours later wet and cold and mad. It interrupted his (and our!) sleep dramatically. We tried many things, like partially waking him at our bedtime to pee, or partially waking him around 1am to try. None of those things worked, so we started putting one of his cloth diapers on at bedtime. He doesn't like it and asks for underwear, but it's made his sleep much easier. Sometimes he wakes up dry, but not always. I'd say in the last 14 days he's woken up dry at least 11, which is pretty good. We will try without underwear again after I travel to visit my parents, but with time changes and new sleeping arrangements for that trip, it doesn't make sense to rock the nighttime boat right now. My point in all of this is to try going cold turkey, following the directions of this ebook exactly. If nights don't work out, you can adapt. But your child might surprise you and be ready for 24-7 undies much sooner than you'd expect!*)

3. Get full time childcare for your other children during the three days of training. This is a big challenge, and probably the hardest part of potty training this way is adjusting the rhythm of the whole family, especially siblings who aren't being trained. But it was ESSENTIAL to my success, both times. Sometimes a long weekend is a great time to train, because one parent can do the full time training while the other takes care of other children and does the laundry, meal prep, errands, and household chores. We chose to train during a work week for Joel so we didn't have to sacrifice our weekends as a family, but it worked because he had shorter work hours and could be home in the early morning and late afternoon, and because I have friends who stay at home full time and who could add my kid to their household life for a few hours at a time.

4. Cut everything else out of your schedule for at least three days. We didn't leave home at all during the beginning of training, and after those three days we carefully picked outings where toilets were easily accessible, where I could give the training child my full attention, and where there were no carpets to ruin ;)! I didn't cook much, or clean at all (except doing laundry galore!!). We had a frozen lasagna for dinner one night and takeout another. Joel did a lot of the housework and fully cared for the non-potty training child when he was not at work.

5. Be consistent. This is a good parenting principal in general, but one I find to be very difficult sometimes. But deciding right away that we weren't going to use pull-ups and just dealing calmly with accidents proved to be amazingly effective, and also empowering to the kids. Lora Jensen, the author of the ebook, emphasizes consistency, and I think it's absolutely essential to the potty training process, especially if you want to have it be effective and relatively short. 

6. Say, "Tell me when you have to go potty. Let me know when you have to pee. Keep your underwear dry. Tell me when you need to go!" a hundred million times a day, for a long, long time. To me, this phrase and this attitude completely eliminates the power struggles that often are associated with potty training. Giving children ownership by using this phrase (and following Lora Jensen's ebook EXACTLY ;) ) really puts the ball in their court and teaches them to identify their own need to use the bathroom. These days, I know Asher will need to use the bathroom every couple of hours, so I ask him and remind him and encourage him to go, in hopes of avoiding an accident while he's playing intently in the backyard. BUT during the three days of training I never set a timer to tell him he needed to go, I never said, "You need to try!!! Sit on the potty!!," etc., because that can so often lead to anger and frustration and a major conflict with toddler emotions and their desire for control. (As all parents can attest, am I right?!) 

Finally, 6. Get a lot of underwear. I would say 15-20 pairs, and then do a load of laundry partway through the day so some of the wet undies get cleaned right away. My friend lent me some that her son didn't really like using anymore, and we added those to our stash. It was such a relief to know that the accidents were going to happen in order for learning to occur, but that we had plenty in the house. I even bought one extra package that we didn't open and I returned later, but it was nice to have a peace of mind that they were there if necessary. Asher's been trained for less than a month, and very rarely has an accident, so we aren't going through more than one pair of undies most days, but it was totally worth the money to buy extras for the first week of training. 

Questions? Comments? Criticism? ;) Let's converse below! 

I wish someone had told me: Raising a baby abroad

Kelly and I were good friends in college, though in two different friend groups, as college social networks go. And then after college, we mostly lost touch. It took getting pregnant and having babies to reconnect, and it's been really encouraging to follow her life through this blog. And as she is a few steps ahead of me (toddler and a newborn, hurray!), it's nice to see what's coming as well :) So it's an honor to be able to write here and share some of what I have learned since having my sweet girl. 

I wish someone had told me that no one can tell you everything. Actually, I think my mother did say something like that...but I suppose in pride I ignored her comment. Maybe I was naive when I was pregnant, reading up on all the various methods out there on every subject to do with babies, though I suppose we're all naive at that point. Either way, the first year of my daughter Aylin's life was full of "Why can't someone just tell me WHICH method to use!?" and many tears of confusion. 

I should explain my context for my pregnancy, birth, and now life with Aylin. My husband and I live in the Middle East, in Amman, Jordan. My husband is working with an agricultural venture called Aquaponics, but more than that, we're here because we felt that God wanted us to give our lives to loving those different from us, and proclaiming who Jesus Christ is to those who have never heard. So even though life here is very different from our home culture in America, we did chose to be here and we are always trying to expand our worldview, learn from those around us. And there is much to learn from Arabs, though currently they are not the most popular in the world. God is growing our love. 

So being in Jordan has added, perhaps, an extra layer to the complexities of starting a family. We know that no matter how hard we try to fit in, we will never be Arabs. We will always lean towards viewing our American ways of doing things more correct, even if not more Biblical. We often find ourselves caught between two cultural ways of doing things, without being certain if either one is helpful or a method that has good results. It's a bit of a juggling game, and very humbling. 

I'm a pretty confident personality, prone to pride as one of my biggest sins, and love to research, apply what I've learned, and spread the news to everyone. A bit annoying, I know. So I think the first year of Aylin's life (she is 16 months now) I was hoping one method of sleep, routine, nursing, SOMETHING would be one I could proudly say "THIS works, hands down, and this is the way it should be done." 

As you can guess, I needed to learn that no baby fits into any one method or theory. Aylin is unique, and so are we as her parents and as a couple, and our cross-cultural context is unique. There is no sleep training blog for mothers who are American, raised in Turkey (did I mention that?), but living in a Muslim, Arab world. I needed to learn a deep dependence on the Lord for wisdom and strength, not just the answers I find on Pinterest. And I haven’t arrived; I'll struggle with wanting to pin down (hehe) one right way for my whole life. 

Perhaps one of my most important realizations, through my husband's help, has been that we need to protect and guide Aylin in whatever country or culture we find ourselves in, not just protect our "methods." A few examples: Here, anyone and EVERYONE feels free to take your baby from you, pass her around, kiss her. That can be in church, a restaurant (the waiters), the grocery store, police officers...you get the picture. And because she is fair skinned, blue eyed, and a mini extrovert who waves at everyone, she easily gets this attention. And most of the time we don't mind, but there are times we have to be slightly rude and say "that's enough, she needs to come back to us" or "no, you can't take her picture anymore." In Jordan there are very set ways of raising children, rarely questioned, but we've had to put our foot down at times. There are many old wives tales that everyone happily informs us about as truth, that we've had to say "sorry, that's actually not true, and we know what our own daughter needs." One being, how we dress her. You never see young babies here because whenever they are outside they are completely covered in heavy fleece blankets. No face at all. They believe that a baby gets a cold from any exposure to cold. And people were always trying to cover her whole face, or give us their own blankets to smother her with, which we had to resist. Or urge me to start feeding her "real" food too early even though I was breastfeeding, which I also had to refuse. 

In thinking through our methods, we've also had to learn to hold them loosely, allow them to change as circumstances change. We attempt to feed Aylin healthy food at home, because outside of the house, locals are constantly handing her chocolate bars, gum, candy. Some we refuse, stuff in my purse, but other times we let her indulge so as not to be rude. We try to keep Aylin's bedtime and nap time somewhat routine, but there is no such thing here (ha!)...babies and toddlers seem to just collapse wherever they are, and it's completely normal to see tiny children out at 10 or 11 at night. And so at times we awkwardly say we can't go to events due to Aylin needing sleep, but other times, we ask her to be a bit more tired than any of us would like. 

I think we're slowing learning a sort of balance with all of these challenges. I'm so thankful that we don't walk this road alone, and that we're continually being stretched. We're learning to laugh at stressful situations and live out the old adage: "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape." 

Chats with Charlotte 3

"Dinner time!!!"

"Any some." (As in, "Any some tea, Momma?", or "Any some milk, Dad?")

"Work, 'puter, Dad."

"Asher, okay. Okay, Asher." (said very quietly to Asher when he is screaming his head off, usually with the same intonation I use when trying to comfort him with the exact same words)

"Bear. Back. One Minute. Stay here, Bear."

"Pray, Mom! Pray Oma. Oma sick."

"Use paint! Use dot markers! Use coloring book!"

"Hello!! Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Nate. How are you, good!" (Said into the DVD player remote which she thinks looks like a phone!) 

"Go this way. Go that way."

"What going on, Papa Bear? Papa Bear sick. Not feeling well. Go home, take a rest." (When reading a Berenstein Bears book about them going out to eat; Papa Bear eats three desserts... Oops)

"Bye, Mom. Going Fred Meyer, get food. Love you, Mom. Big hug!" 

And my personal favorite, as we pass Wendy's on a family drive: 

"Get French fries, Mom!" 

I laugh, and Joel turns to me: "busted!" 

HAHAHA!!!

I wish someone had told me: postpartum depression and anxiety

Today's guest post written by my friend & fellow blogger Megan Sortore. We went to college together and are currently raising toddlers alongside our new babes whose due dates were within a week of each other. Amazingly, her little girl arrived five weeks early so she's got Asher beat by about a month ;). Meg's sharing about a delicate topic, which I feel is incredibly important to bring out into the open: postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.
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Kelly and I had our first babies around the same time so it was great to be able to exchange thoughts and text each other things like “my kid is doing this/that, is that normal?!” It was comforting to have a friend walking the same path and figuring things out just like I was (and am). Maybe thatʼs what this series means to me. “I Wish Someone Had Told Me...” means “I have no idea if this is normal”, which can sometimes feel extremely isolating.

My big “I Wish Someone Had Told Me” egg is the olʼ postpartum depression (PPD) and postpartum anxiety. I do believe that PPD is becoming slightly less taboo and most women are told to watch out for it after having their babies. But postpartum depression/anxiety is a monster with many ugly heads. I didnʼt even realize I had PPD until a few months ago because I GOOGLED IT, which, as Iʼm sure you would guess, isnʼt the best way to find out that you have something! I didnʼt think I had PPD because I didnʼt have the typical PPD symptoms: I didnʼt have hypomania or dysthymia. I felt bonded to my baby and I didnʼt feel overwhelmed about all the stereotypical hard stuff us moms are warned about when pregnant (sleepless nights, breastfeeding troubles, etc). But I was experiencing some other symptoms. Symptoms I never heard anyone talk about.

Here are just a few of the things I Wish Someone Had Told Me...

I Wish Someone Had Told Me that after I had my baby I might be so utterly depressed about the WORLD that I would feel guilty for bringing a baby into it. Having a baby has made me acutely aware of my pessimistic worldview. After having my first child I started noticing the barbarity of the world like never before. I am constantly fearful that something tragic might strike the thing I hold closest to my heart and care about more than anything; my child. If you have time, this article so eloquently describes what Iʼm trying to say. Hereʼs a short excerpt: “Two of parental loveʼs major active ingredients are fear and guilt. Fear of the vast and bewildering spectrum of terrible things that might befall the object of that love, and guilt that you might not have done enough to prevent them.”

I wish someone had told me that becoming a parent might make me feel so much sadness for the pathetic reality of our existence that I might feel my heart literally breaking with sorrow. Unlike the author of the article quoted above, I have a more hopeful thought than just not reconciling the strangeness of pessimism and parenting. My hope is that Godʼs plan for creating humanity in the first place will be worth all of this pain. That, in a nutshell, is Christianity. The world is crap but Jesus said “I know itʼs crap but just wait because Iʼm going to redeem the crap and right now you canʼt possibly understand how but I promise it will all be worth it!” So I hold onto that. When Iʼm ready to throw in the towel and give into my pessimism, I hold onto the fact that Jesus gets it. He FELT it. He asks me to just hold on and keep the faith, and then try to help others do the same.

I Wish Someone Had Told Me that I might be totally fine (joyful even) during the day but at night I might suffer from panic attacks. After the babies are in bed and things slow down for the night I might not be able to stop my mind from playing out horrific scenarios of my children being in pain. That I will lay in bed and plan out what I would say at their funerals because I just know something bad is going to happen. I just know it in my heart and bones. I wish someone had told me that anxiety twists your intuition until youʼve convinced yourself something bad will happen itʼs just a matter of what and when.

I Wish Someone Had Told Me that I might incessantly worry about my kids for quite possibly the rest of my life . The worry (anxiety) of are they getting enough to eat, are they sleeping enough, what if they catch this, what if they catch that, what if they fall and have to get stitches, what if a bully picks on them, what if theyʼll just never go pee in the friggin toilet ever (currently an issue for us over here), what if Iʼm not doing this right,
what if, what if, what if. Itʼs exhausting. PPD/A is exhausting. If youʼre experiencing such anxiety talk to your doctor, your partner, your friends, your parents; all of the above!

Once I diagnosed myself with PPD I went to the doctor and unloaded all of this on her in one big long breath. She said “I think if youʼre not feeling at least some of this when youʼre a new parent than you arenʼt awake.” (yes, my doctor is awesome). So in other words...This. Is. Normal.

I Wish Someone Had Told Me that having a baby might cause a somewhat-mid-life crisis. I donʼt know if itʼs the having of the children or the getting older but some real existential shit has been hitting the fan for me in the last two years. Iʼm guessing itʼs probably a little bit of both, but I think having a child is playing the bigger role. Becoming a parent has spurred me into Part II of my life. Itʼs caused me to question foundational pillars of my faith and, frighteningly at first, let some of them go. Itʼs put me on an exciting journey of enlightenment. I feel like Odysseus trying to find the way back to Ithaca! Luckily, there is some amazing literature out there to help with the existential crises that might accompany parenthood. Hurray! Iʼve recently read some great works that have lifted me out of my philosophical fog. In the interest of keeping this post on point, I will restrain from listing all the great books/podcasts/articles but let me know if you need some suggestions because I will ecstatically bombard you with my recommendations.

These are just a few of the experiences I was not prepared for when becoming a mother. I realize these are some pretty negative waves and I am (at least I hope I am) in the minority with my despondency. I recently talked to my mom about all of this and she told me she didnʼt feel remotely this down and out when she had me or my brothers, which is good or else there might not be as many of us!

So now...to those of you who are pregnant... Iʼd imagine that this might have freaked you out just a tad. But if anything stays with you let it be this: while I was unprepared for the depth and severity of these feelings, I am very grateful for them. As I said before, itʼs because of all of this that I feel my eyes have been opened! An enlightening is happening! Theyʼve given me a new, profound understanding for the relationship between God (parent) and Jesus (Son). Theyʼve given me empathy. Theyʼve set my feet on a path that would not have been found otherwise.

And to those of you that might have just had a kid or have had one for a while and are feeling all the feelings...I hope this makes you feel less alone, more normal and above all hopeful.

I wish someone had told me: Two Under Two

Last January, when we found out baby 2 was on the way, Joel and I had a bit of nervousness alongside our great joy. We knew our kiddos would be less than two years apart (twenty months and one day, to be precise), and we couldn't fathom the craziness that would come with having Charlotte be so very young when her new sibling arrived.

I didn't get too much advice on the subject of having two kids under the age of two, though I did read this great blog post by a mother I follow online. Looking back now, I see that there's no way anyone could have prepared me for the challenges of those early days. I wouldn't have believed how hard it was, if someone had let me watch a feature film foreshadowing the beginning of our second baby's life. But if I'm writing a blog post on the subject (which I clearly am...), here are a few things I wish someone had told me.

I wish someone had told me... how much I would miss my husband. With just one kid, we were parenting together, side by side, taking turns with bedtime, giving baths together, he playing games while I finished dinner. Once Asher arrived, it was all hands on deck, all the time, and usually in separate locations. I nursed the baby. He changed the toddler's diaper. I put Asher to bed, while he entertained Charlotte, then put her to bed since I was nursing again (or still) by that point. I made dinner with Asher asleep in the Ergo while he took Charlotte for a run to let her out of the house for the first time all day. It was exhausting for everyone, and with a baby eating around the clock, we didn't really have a single second for just the two of us. Plus, I was totally zonked by the time both kids were in bed, and had little energy for watching a movie or hanging around to chat.

I wish someone had told me... how much the change in routine would affect my toddler. Ugh, Charlotte's behavior the first few weeks of Asher's life was so difficult! Due to unlucky timing, she got a new baby brother on the same day she got two extra house guests. We'd hoped my friend Melissa would arrive with her daughter a couple days before Asher was born, so she could be present at his birth. He didn't wait for her, though, and she flew in just 9 hours after he arrived! Charlotte had a really, really, really hard time sharing her mom and dad with a new baby, and also really struggled to share her house and life with another toddler. Obviously there's no way to predict when babies will arrive, but if I'm ever in a similar situation, I would probably just ask my mom to come and not have any other friends or relatives amidst the chaos.

I wish someone had told me... that I should do my absolute best to help my baby take a bottle consistently from an early age. In the beginning, it was too much for me to navigate keeping Charlotte occupied while I pumped AND fed Asher a bottle, and by the time Joel came home from work the house was so chaotic that feeding Asher a bottle got lost in the craziness. Since we weren't consistently offering it, Asher now has no interest in anything other than getting his milk straight from the source, and that limits the time that I can be away to run errands, go out on dates, etc.

I wish someone had told me... how my heart would break into a million pieces the first time my children met. Joel brought Charlotte into our room when she woke up (after Asher had been born at 1am). I will never forget her little voice when Joel asked if she knew who was in momma's arms.... "Asher!!!"

I wish someone had told me... how quickly and beautifully my little girl would become a brave, independent, hilarious big girl, once she had a new baby at home. Charlotte can do so much by herself these days, and is a very attentive, kind, and thoughtful sister. I'm really proud of her and feel very grateful that she has the gift of a sibling so close to her age.

I wish someone had told me... how fun it is to watch the love these two have for each other. Asher cannot get enough of Charlotte. He stares at her constantly, and cranes his neck all the way around so he can get a better view. They've started to play a little bit together, and she will pass him a ball and say, "Catch it Asher. Pass to me, Asher!" SWOON.

Raising Twins: I wish someone had told me

“Fighting Fears With a Baby in Each Arm”

When I think of our first weeks with twins, one person always comes to mind: Kenny G.  Our Thanksgiving preemies and NICU graduates had to be woken up to be fed every three hours.  So when it’s Christmas time, what better way to smoothly wake you and your spouse in the middle of the night than with some soothing, holiday jazz!  Except it often worked too well, and we would either sleep through the alarm for 45 minutes, or we would argue at 3:10 in the morning in a half-asleep stupor: “I just heard this song like two minutes ago.  It CANNOT be time to feed them again!”  Oh, but it was, my sleepy former self.  It was . . .

No doubt, caring for two babies (or more!) at once can force a mom to forfeit some of the “ideal” baby experiences such as natural delivery and nursing.  And oh yes, twins can be exhausting.  One has to look no further than our history with Kenny G or our family’s December and January 2010-11 photo albums, to confirm the exhausting part.

(And there’s a lot more of those sleeping beauties (pint size and full) when you look through our photo archives.)

Before our adventure with our fraternal twin boys began, there was no question from anyone that we were going to be a teensy weensy bit tired.  But we also were given unwanted negative thoughts and fears before our boys arrived, ironically coming from people who neither had twins nor were a twin.  These were the people warning us how much our lives would alter, telling us we wouldn’t get out by ourselves for a long time, making frightening faces, and begging us to hire a night nurse (On a Christian teacher’s salary?!  In fact, I did have a night nurse.  His name was Ben, and I shared a bed with him.  Nice arrangement, huh?)  

Cutest night nurse EVER.

Instead, my biggest cheerleaders were the people in my life who had twins.  And no, their tales of twindom were not all sunshine and lollipops.  But their tales were also not littered with words like “hellish.”  When I talked to them, I didn’t leave scared but instead encouraged. 

With both the rally of the cheerleaders and the pessimistic roar of others, we lived to tell of pushing through the twenty diaper changes a day, the round-the-clock pumping, and the plethora of bottles that needed cleaning.  But by month three, I was charged and ready to start proving the pessimists wrong.  We accepted offers from people to babysit, and we went out on dates.  I lugged both babies along to Target, to coffee shops, to the grocery store, and to restaurants.  And when the pediatrician told me I would need help bringing both babies to the doctor’s by myself, I proceeded to prove her wrong too.  

So a quandary arises for me when asked, “What do you wish someone had told you before you had twins?”  Do I wish that I hadn’t been told all the potential negative aspects of caring for twins?  Or was it that negativity that drove my intensely competitive side?   My side that hates losing in tennis, in Parcheesi, in anything for that matter.  Which might be why when I was pregnant with our third child and everyone said, “Having a single baby will be a cakewalk after twins!” I never bothered to rally my competitive spirit.  After our third child’s birth, I found myself treading water for two years wondering when the cakewalk would start.  And still I wait.

Yes, twins are hard (as is adding any additional baby to a family), but not beyond reason.  And for some it may be harder than for others.  Job situations, other siblings, the temperaments of the babies, and life’s logistics all play a part in the challenges of raising two babies at once.  Please, ask advice from families with twins.  But also don’t forget that although your situations have great similarities, your experiences will never be entirely the same. 

The most important piece to remember is that at the end of the day, even with the good, bad, and ugly advice, there are two little people with a beautiful link to the other.  And you get to be witness to that every single day.  Yes, with the birth of our twins my house became messier, my laundry higher, my to-do list longer, and my hair grayer.  But the silliness, the ever constant wrestling matches, and the intense bond between my two bald babies turned rambunctious five year olds, reminds me why we ditched our dreams of smooth jazz and instead embraced a life with a whole lot more rock ‘n’ roll. 

"I wish someone had told me": new blog series

As a new mom, I received a whole lotta advice--- some good, some bad, some just all around silly. :) Fortunately, I have some awesome friends and family who helped prepare me for parenthood and gave wanted and supportive input. In many ways, I felt equipped and ready for the challenges of growing, birthing, and raising babies.

But then there were things that left me completely dumbfounded. 

I would think, "Why didn't someone warn me?" Or "How come they didn't tell me about this?!" 

I bet it's safe to say some of you felt (or feel?!) the same... 

So, I'm starting a new blog series, with 3-5 posts in mind already. I've been in touch with some guest bloggers, who I think will really hit it out of the park with their topic choice and writing style. I hope you love their posts! 

If you are interested in writing a guest post, please get in touch. If there's a topic you don't want to write about, but would like to see covered in this series, leave a comment below. 

Coming soon: the first post, Lindsay's experience with twins!! 

Home Depot: our indoor playground

The other day I was whining to Joel that these super rainy days are so frustrating with two little kids... Asher only stays awake for 1.5-2 hours at a time... The playgrounds are soaking wet, and it's too chilly to keep a toddler in damp clothing... Charlotte has SO much energy and is dying to play outside, but I often have to say "no." ... The indoor play places (mall and children's museum) are at least 20 minutes away, which only leaves 30ish minutes for playing before Asher needs to nap again... If Asher naps in the Ergo he doesn't get the same quality of sleep and our evenings are stressful...

(It was a pity party, and it wasn't pretty.)

But then my brilliant husband gave a somewhat hilarious suggestion: take the kids to Home Depot.

At first I laughed. But then he continued:

"Yeah. Take back the light bulbs that don't fit and then just let Charlotte run around. The aisles are wide, it's not crowded during the day. It's super close so you can get there and back between naps. You don't have to buy anything."

Like I said- brilliant.

Asher was wide awake. Charlotte got to choose which way to walk. The employees had a burst of life, seeing Charlotte's enthusiastic energy. Other customers watched me with envy, wishing they had two adorable babies hanging out with them!

Our spirits were revived and both kids took great naps after their outing to the "playground" ;)

Chores for a toddler

I'm sure you could type this blog post title into Google and find a treasure trove of ideas for how to develop your own indentured toddler... I have a few good posts saved on Pinterest, which is an incredible resource. 

Today I'm going to share just a few "chores" that Charlotte is into lately, at nineteen months. She really really really likes helping and is very interested in mimicking the things we do around the house. There are definitely times when she doesn't want to help... usually after she has made a mess and we say she has to clean up before moving to a new activity. 

BUT her interest in these kinds of activities is really fun and we try to take advantage of her willingness as much as we can. Plus: I'm 9+ months pregnant and bending over to pick up a stray sock is something I'd really like to delegate to someone more flexible. ;)

1. Laundry transfer. When the clothes are done in the washing machine, Charlotte stands at the dryer door and puts in all the clothes I hand her (and the clothes I inevitably drop!!). She is usually very excited to close the dryer door and tries to do it before all the clothes are transferred... This activity also works when taking clothes OUT of the dryer. I put the empty hamper on the floor under the dryer door and Charlotte pulls all the clothes out and drops them into the hamper. If I'm lucky, she will push the hamper across the hardwood floors into our room and leave it there to be folded later. (If I'm unlucky, she will promptly take out all the clean clothes and litter them across the house... Ha!)

2. Silverware sort. Whenever we empty the dishwasher, Charlotte goes to the little closet that holds a metal step stool. If we help her get it out, she pushes it over to the silverware drawer and starts to unload the forks, knives, and spoons. She doesn't always separate the salad forks and dinner forks correctly, but we don't care about that at all. Caution: This only works because we don't wash any sharp knives in the dishwasher! 

3. Dish washing. Charlotte LOVES loves loves to play with water. I give her a few plastic dishes to "wash" sometimes if I'm desperate to get dinner made. Lots of water gets spilled on the floor because she stool isn't quite tall enough, but cleaning up water takes about 30 seconds and this "chore" can keep her entertained for at least 10 minutes. Hint: turn the faucet on the lowest it can possibly go, to slightly minimize the environmental effects of wasting water ;) 

4. Toy clean up. This isn't always a favorite, but most of the time Charlotte can be convinced to help put away her toys. Sometimes I do a partial clean up while she is paying with Joel so the overall job isn't super taxing/ time consuming. 

One key that I have found-- deciding when to enforce the helping and when to let it slide. I really don't want to crush Charlotte's enthusiasm or take advantage of her willingness to be involved. 

I find it challenging, but I try to be very consistent: if I say she MUST clean something up, I do NOT let it go just because she resists. I sit with her and keep bringing her back to the spot until the whole mess has been cleaned (while helping her do it myself). But if I ask her, "Charlotte, do you want to help me with the laundry?" It's showing that she has a choice and I don't force her to complete the task. 

Do  your toddlers do chores?! What other ideas do you have?

the chaos of NOW

In less than two weeks, we will drive away from this house, this town, this neighborhood we have come to love.

Charlotte woke up before 6 the last two mornings and, though this isn't completely abnormal, we're all pretty exhausted. She wakes up happy, but is tired again almost immediately after breakfast and it's a struggle to find contentment until she takes her first nap. Two weeks ago I was SURE she was ready for one nap, so we did that whole gradual transition, only to realize about a week in that she was completely overtired and it wasn't working out. So back to two naps we went, but not without some fights at bedtime and, as seen today, some early morning wake ups. Why don't children come with an owners manual? 

In addition to the unpredictable sleeping habits of our toddler, baby boy has been giving me some trouble at night, too. If I wake up to use the bathroom, he wakes up, and has a party in my belly. I LOVE feeling him move around and am unbelievably grateful that he is healthy and strong, but for goodness sake, son, please be still so I can go back to sleep! 

We are in a perpetual state of "packing" and our house looks like a disaster. It's so stressful to me, but I find myself lounging around, reading blogs and Twitter during my free minutes, instead of putting things in boxes. The process of packing right now overwhelms me... We need all our stuff for the next two weeks.... What can we pack up?!

Since we will have about one month of limbo while traveling and then upon arriving in Washington, we've booked about a million appointments for these last two weeks of June... A follow up ultrasound, goodbye luncheons, dentist check ups, final meet ups with friends, midwife appointments, hair cuts, home repairs, second inspections, house sale paperwork meetings, etc. etc. etc. I can barely keep up with the daily grind, let alone the little extra details that have been added to the calendar of late. On Tuesday I almost forgot to attend my own farewell party! Who am I.. forgetting a party?! 

There's been some hype in the blog world and on social media recently about how we portray our lives as perfect, or at least wonderfully pleasant. And while I can't really fathom posting a photo of my greasy unwashed hair, or my daughter's screaming face in the middle of a tantrum, I do try to be transparent here in this space. 

So in the name of transparency, let me just say that our life is chaotic. It's very hard and very sad and very overwhelming right now. I've been crying more than usual, and Joel and I are both incredibly tired. I have snapped at Charlotte multiple times recently, and my patience with her grows thin more often than I like to admit. The weather is hot and there are messes everywhere I turn. My husband is working incredibly hard and my toddler is amazing, but I am burnt out and exhausted and so very sad. I find myself already missing my friends here, and I'm mourning the distance that will keep my family apart in the coming years. People ask me how I'm feeling, and most of the time I can show my genuine enthusiasm for the changes and adventures to come. 

I AM excited and I believe this move is what God has called us to do. 

But there is chaos RIGHT NOW, and my heart and soul are weary. 

The end of nursing

As of this week, Charlotte is done nursing.

I feel a tiny bit sad, because it has been such a big part of our life together for the past fourteen months. But mostly, I feel proud of her (and of myself) for figuring it all out, and I feel intense gratitude for the support and encouragement I have received. Gosh, I'm so very grateful.

The early days of it were not easy. She was sleepy and tiny, and I was exhausted and burdened by the weight of responsibility- my milk was keeping her alive!!- and oh so emotional. A wise friend told me that nursing gets easier after the first month. So I stuck it out, and sure enough, my friend was right. There were some tricky times since those first few days- congestion, first colds, nursing strikes, being discrete in public, and the endless pumping sessions while I finished last school year. But Charlotte grew and thrived, and we bonded, and I got confident. So I can look back over these fourteen months with great fondness and humility and joy.

I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have found excellent resources on the subject of breastfeeding. There are helpful books about nursing, the internet abounds with helpful articles, and many areas have a local breastfeeding resource center with support groups and lactation consultants. I have compiled a huge collection of websites and useful links via Pinterest. The website KellyMom was an absolutely incredible resource... I sometimes referenced it three times a day! And just yesterday I read this blog post, which does a great job of covering some of the (many) concerns new moms have when starting to nurse. 

Anyway, our nursing days are over and Charlotte is deep into solid foods and she drinks whole cow's milk (mixed with some of my frozen breast milk) in a special sippy cup at bedtime. It has taken us about two months to completely "wean" and there have been some struggles and some self-doubt and some guilt (on my part) and a few tears (from both of us!). She has definitely had a harder time falling asleep this past week since she's done nursing and once or twice Joel has gone in to give her some extra snuggles. BUT, over all the whole thing went amazingly well and I'm happy to say our breastfeeding experience, and our weaning process, were a huge success. 

Here are a few tips for "weaning" that I've gathered from various websites and from my own experience:

1. Move slowly and try to follow your baby's lead. When I started decreasing from our routine of five feedings a day, I dropped one feeding in a week, then another ten to fourteen days later, and so on. Charlotte was almost a year old and eating a good amount of solids, and she didn't seem to notice. She drank more at each feeding and was getting the right amount of milk for her needs. Another benefit of weaning slowly is that your body adjusts to making less milk over time, which should help eliminate engorgement and discomfort. 

2. Be flexible and patient. For us, it was challenging to be away from home shortly after we dropped the mid-day feeding. Charlotte had a hard time settling down for her second nap without the relaxation of nursing. After struggling for a while at my parents' house one day, I turned off the lights, nursed her silently and let her drift to sleep before breaking her latch. She stayed asleep and I took a short nap snuggled up with her. I will never forget that day. It was such a precious hour in our nursing relationship. 

3. If nursing is going well and you don't need to stop sooner, try to make it for a full year. Pediatricians recommend waiting until after one to introduce cow's milk and they suggest giving formula if babies aren't receiving breast milk up until one. Since we never used formula, it just cut out one unnecessary transition. Moving to cow's milk (only at bedtime- Charlotte drinks water from a little glass during the day) directly from nursing was still tricky, but overall worked well for us because it was the only real transition we had. [Note: there's no need to stop nursing at a year! Breast milk is healthy and beneficial for toddlers well past their first birthday!] 

4. Drop the daytime feedings first; keep the early morning and before bed feedings for a while longer, as these tend to be the most significant to baby. During the day, Charlotte was very eager to eat real food and play, so it wasn't terribly difficult to drop a feeding every week or two. We kept the morning nursing for about three weeks after the day time nursings were done. She was very attached to her morning routine of coming into my room and drinking milk with me in the quiet while Joel got ready for school. One morning, though, I met her at the top of the stairs and brought her down to the table where her breakfast was ready and waiting. I was prepared to nurse if she protested at all, but she didn't seem to notice any change. Then, just this past week we stopped the nursing at bedtime and that was definitely the hardest transition. Nursing before bed really helped Charlotte calm down and settle in, so we worked hard to help develop an adapted bedtime routine. I'm very glad we didn't try to cut that feeding out before now!

5. "Don't offer, don't refuse". This is one weaning philosophy I read and while I didn't follow it fully (because I continuously offered at bedtime, even if Charlotte didn't "ask", long after all the other feedings were dropped), I think in general it's respectful to allow your baby to nurse if he or she asks. Nursing is never just about nourishment- there is a whole lot of comfort, relaxation, and snuggling involved. One night last week Charlotte wasn't very interested in drinking from her sippy cup and was getting really upset. She kept tugging on my shirt and whining, so I let her nurse (even though I was confident she wasn't getting much nourishment). It comforted her and helped ease the transition of switching to milk from a cup.

How about you, readers? Any words of wisdom to share? Experiences with nursing or weaning- good or bad...?! 

On why I'm not sad that my baby is turning one

I'm not sad that my daughter is turning one this weekend.

There. I said typed it. 

Maybe I'm cold hearted. Or unsentimental. 

But I'm not sad because I'm so happy! I am truly joyful about this big, milestone birthday! 

I am so incredibly proud of how Charlotte has developed this year. I am so incredibly grateful for the lessons we have learned as a family and the ways we have stretched. We have laughed and cried and danced and played this year. We have become stronger and wiser and more patient and more fun this year. 

Charlotte has grown (physically, of course- she has almost tripled in weight and is more than a foot taller than she was at birth!) and discovered and explored this year. She is a completely different child than she was last year, with curly hair and teeth and a personality that's full of spunk. I am completely different, Joel is different, and our family is so much more wonderful than it was before Charlotte joined us. 

So I guess I'm not sad because I'm full of joy at the life we have. I'm not sad because I'm grateful to have a healthy, happy girl who is developing at an alarmingly fast (but wonderful!) rate and who brings such goodness to our home. I'm not sad because babies are supposed to grow and change because God made them that way. I'm not sad because we as parents are simply caretakers of these beautiful beings who were created in the image of God for His glory. 

If I start to think about the day Charlotte will graduate from college, I might get a little bit sad. 

But today I'm not thinking about that. 

And I'm not sad that she's turning one tomorrow. I'm thrilled.

Thoughts on motherhood// one year

I'm finding myself surprised as I process my thoughts about this job of motherhood. The last twelve months have been amazing, hard, confusing, exciting, wonderful, and awful. Motherhood is scary. And scarily awesome.

I didn't realize how unpredictable having a baby would be. I'm a schedule-lover, so the days when Charlotte didn't nap well or woke too soon really threw me through a loop. Motherhood brought out some nasty parts of myself: my pride, my impatience, my self-doubt, my unkind tongue... Sin reared its ugly head more this year than it ever has in the past. 

But in many ways, motherhood has softened me. I am gentler now, and I have learned to quietly observe. I play more easily. I sing more silly songs. I read a lot of books sitting cross legged on the floor. :) 

And motherhood has humbled me, too. I find myself less judgemental of others and less convinced that MY way is better than the next person's way. Many of the things I thought were so important or SO black and white are now a bit more gray, a bit less crucial...

I imagined I would be super passionate about cloth diapering. But I'm not really; I think our system is great and I like using cloth but I'm totally fine using disposables at night and having a pack of diapers sitting in the closet to be used for all-day outings or long car trips. 

I thought for sure I'd be passionate about some specific type of sleep training. I'm totally not. I broke all sorts of "rules" and tried all sorts of things. Some nights my kid sleeps and some nights she wakes up. Sometimes she naps easily and sometimes she boycotts naps completely. One thing I feel confident about is that getting Charlotte used to her crib was an important thing to do early on. I'm glad we went that route, for our own sanity and for her to get uninterrupted sleep. Otherwise, I'm no expert and definitely can't say one way is better than the next. 

And then there are things I am unbelievably passionate about, such as baby led weaning, breastfeeding, and natural childbirth. As I experienced all of these for myself, and did extensive research over time, my enthusiasm and excitement have continued to grow. I could talk for hours and write for days about such subjects and I will do whatever I can to help, guide, and support anyone who might want my input. (Though I try not to talk for hours to people who DON'T want my input...)

Looking back on this year, I feel so incredibly blessed. Blessed to have gotten pregnant after a hard season of waiting. Blessed to have gotten to experience Charlotte's birth in exactly the way I hoped. Blessed to be partnered with the amazing man who is my husband. Blessed by friends and family who have cared for us and helped us raise this babe during a vital time in her life. Blessed, actually, by my darling Charlotte, who is such a sweet, hilarious, fun little girl. 

What an honor to be on this scary, awesome journey of motherhood. 

The cold and rainy days

Today has been one of those days.

You know, the kind of day that is cold and rainy. The kind of day that starts at five am (45 minutes before your alarm) because a poopy diaper woke your daughter up from her peaceful dreams. 

The kind of day where the first nap starts at 6:30 because everyone is exhausted, but then ends at 7:30 because of yet another poopy diaper. And it's still cold and rainy. 

There are a few metaphorical rays of sunshine in such days... Lunch from Panera generously delivered by a friend who wants to talk about cloth diapers. A FaceTime date. A quick visit with the neighbors to drop off a recipe and admire their week-old babe. That same poopy diaper girl grinning from her crib. Some fun play times with new toys. A good Christmas play list on Pandora. And more. 

But the day is still cold and rainy. And the second nap only lasts an hour. And half of it is spent on the phone with various companies figuring out confusing details of miscellaneous sorts. And the second half is spent researching how to make sloppy joes from scratch and wondering whether it's possible with current pantry supplies but without that important little can of sloppy joe mix. 

And then a third nap is required because of the early morning start, but then gets delayed by yet.another.poopy.diaper. Which results in your baby screaming in her room because even after a diaper change she isn't interested in snuggling down in her warm cozy crib for a nap. Which results in offering to nurse, which of course settles her right down, but then spending the next 10 minutes worrying about how she will ever wean and whether you are ruining her for life by nursing her to sleep at ten months of age. 

But then the day turns into one of those days where you get to hear your baby breathing slowly and feel her body relaxing and see her eyelashes flickering as you slowly place her into the crib. Where she stays asleep. Miraculously. 

It's still cold and rainy. But the day can be considered successful because the precious girl is safe and healthy and cared for. She knows she is loved and she loves in return.

There will be sunshine some day soon and an occasional warm front will blow through and more metaphorical rays of sunshine will appear tomorrow, too, and the day after that. And the baby will grow and learn and play. And this (mostly terrible) cold and rainy day will mostly blend together with the rest of the days, cold and rainy, or warm and sunny, or whatever the case may be.

Two tiny bruises

When we changed Charlotte's diaper yesterday, we noticed two tiny bruises on her left knee.

She often has little scratches on her face and has already sported quite a few bumps on her soft baby noggin.

We are quickly realizing that injuries come with the baby-raising territory, especially once the baby becomes mobile. Charlotte is crawling and standing and "walking" with help nowadays, and she is regularly falling over or running into something. 

I can't believe how much my heart breaks when she looks at me and cries those crocodile tears of pain. It's awful to witness, even as I hug and cuddle and whisper comforting words into her little ears. "You are going to be fine. I love you so much. I'm proud of you. You are working hard and sometimes hard workers get hurt. You are a strong, brave girl. Jesus loves you. I love you so much." 

Even more burdensome than those sad, salty tears is the wave of anguish that covers me as I think about the future... How much worse the pain will be when she falls off a swing or gets hit with a ball or breaks a bone. How she will ache when losing a friend or being bullied at school or moving away from her neighborhood. How I won't be able to protect her from loss or grief or fear. How many times I won't even be able to comfort her as she cries. The pain of that reality slays me.

The Hope for her future, though, is the reality of Jesus. I can do my absolute best to keep her safe and snuggle her close and nurture her heart and raise her well. But then I've got to surrender and rest in the knowledge of the Hope I have been given. She is loved by Someone more loving, knowing, and powerful than I. Thanks be to God. 

Sleeping tricks (that worked for us)

I don't consider myself a baby sleep expert.

No way. Let's not even go there. I have written plenty of posts about the crying and the stress and the short naps and the trial and error for it to be obvious that the whole sleep thing is kind of a crap shoot.

BUT. Charlotte is a good sleeper. That can't be denied. And we have taken specific steps to help her sleep well. Mostly based on other people's experiences and wisdom gleaned from the inter webs. But regardless of where the tricks came from, I'm happy to share. 

1. Swaddle swaddle swaddle. Even if your baby hates it. Even if she wants her hands out or near her face or whatever. Just swaddle. Newborn babies are not the boss. Swaddling is a very good thing; it helps prevent babies from startling themselves awake & it gives them the feeling of the good old days (you know, being squished up in mom's womb again).  If a regular swaddle blanket doesn't work, spend some money on a swaddle sleep sack. (We like Halo brand and the Miracle Blanket- just FYI) Don't just swaddle at night, either. Nap time is sleep time, too, and swaddling helps with sleep.

2. Once you are done with the swaddle (in our experience we had to be done once Charlotte started rolling over onto her tummy.) try to introduce a "lovie". We bought Charlotte her "Screech" when she was about four months old and started having her snuggle it while she was nursing. We incorporated her Screech into our sleep time routine and now she knows it's time to rest when I put Screech into her arms. Technically safety professionals recommend having nothing loose in the baby's crib before one year, but one year is likely too late for a baby to become attached to a lovie, and it won't work as a soother. You be the judge. 

3. Make the room dark and use white noise. All summer we have kept Charlotte's window unit air conditioner running while she sleeps. Before that we used a box fan. I considered buying a small white noise machine but we already had a fan so we just used that and it works for us. Granted, it's a little inconvenient because we have to use white noise wherever she sleeps, but most places we go will have a fan (grandparents' houses, vacation rentals, etc.) 

4. Beware the 45 minute intruder. Seriously, Google it. If Charlotte wakes up 45 minutes into a nap, I don't go get her immediately. I wait to see if she will fall asleep and usually she will. If she's crying or fussing for longer than 5 minutes I go in and pick her up because she's probably fully awake.

5. Put the baby to bed as soon as you see the sleep cues. For Charlotte, her sleep cues are yawns (sometimes), rubbing her eyes, and pulling on her ear. I used to count "three yawns and some fuss" and immediately start the nap process. Now I wait for a couple yawns, some ear pulling, and then we head upstairs to get ready for bed. 

6. Have a consistent routine. This one is super hard and I remember feeling so frustrated when Charlotte was about 2-3 months old and no routine or consistency seemed to work. But we kept doing the routine and now it really really works. Our routine involves a diaper change, sleep sack on, read a book quietly, sing a song quietly (sometimes two songs), then into bed. Depending on the time of day Charlotte may nurse after she gets her diaper changed. But nursing isn't the last thing we do. She almost always goes into her crib awake, having read a book and listened to a song.

What about you? What sleep tricks do you  swear by?

teething today // 1

The teething times have begun, folks, so I'm documenting our experience. 
Here's what teething today looked like...

To Charlotte,

I've eaten a quick lunch and just barely started writing some work emails when I hear you wake up crying 35 minutes after you finally put yourself to sleep. I know it's teething because you can usually nap for at least an hour, and I know you're still tired because you normally wake up cooing, smiling like a Cheshire cat.

The tears are streaming down your face and your nose is dripping buckets. You've gotten onto your belly and are just too tired and sad to roll yourself back. Pushed up onto your hands, you lock eyes with me the second I open your door. I decide (for once) to try nursing you back to sleep again. You cry and writhe until you're latched on, then drink quietly and quickly fall asleep in my arms.

This never happens; you haven't taken a nap on me in months. You are a mover and a shaker. Not a snuggler. We've taught you to sleep in your crib and you do it well (except when growing new teeth, apparently). Nursing is my only chance to hold you close while you're relaxed and still, and even then you are ready to rock'n'roll as soon as you finish eating. So I decide to relish this opportunity; you're snuggled up peacefully, getting the rest you need, and your room is cool and dark.

I'm not comfortable as we sit. The thrift store rocking chair we have in your room isn't great for longer than the time it takes to read a few short books. My tailbone is falling asleep and my right arm aches. You weigh at least 17 pounds now and I'm not used to holding you in one position for long periods of time.

I mentally commit to letting you sleep on me until you wake up by yourself. Or until 3pm. Whichever comes first. "I love you but an hour of this holding thing might make me a little crazy," I think.

But then I start to watch you. The flutter of your feathery, dark, mascara-commercial lashes. The twitch of your little hand. The way your eyelids flicker; I wonder what you are dreaming. The purse of your lips and the arch of your s-shaped brows. Tears prick my eyes as I see your face contort with pain or fear or sadness (I'll never know which). But then I almost laugh aloud as your perfect mouth turns into a grin. My heart aches with love.

Eventually you're sleeping deeply. I can feel you relax and your body becomes heavier. I adjust you slightly in an attempt to be more comfortable, but still you rest on my right arm and you're cuddled up close to my chest. My arm is still aching and I'm tired. But so happy. So content.

At 2:58pm your eyes open.

You wiggle to sit up and begin to look around. We make eye contact. You sit quietly on my lap, checking out your room as if you're in it for the first time. Then you start kicking happily, cooing, and smiling like a Cheshire cat.

It's worth it, little one. My aching arm. The emails that never got written. The unfinished load of laundry, still sitting in the washer at 8pm. You're worth it. I thank God for giving me you and for giving me the chance to hold you while you sleep.

Teething today was holding you, feeding you, comforting you, and helping you sleep. Teething today was maddening and confusing and precious and life-giving.

Post-partum tips

If you are squeamish (or a man) I highly suggest you stop reading right now and check back in a few days for less personal content (and maybe a few cute pictures of Charlotte!).

In the shower this morning, I was reflecting on the early days after Charlotte was born and mentally listing a few things I learned. Some were tips from other first-time moms, some were things I read online, and some were trial-by-error ideas that came from my own experience. 

Feel free to chime in and add any of your own great post-partum tips, but here are a few of mine, in no particular order: 

1. Take a shower every day (or more than once per day, if you choose). Having a baby is messy. The days/weeks afterward can be messy, too. I felt a million times better after my daily shower, even though I was exhausted and emotionally shaky. Hand the baby off to your husband, mom, or dad and jump in the shower even for 3 minutes. Or, if nobody is around, get in the shower the second your baby falls soundly asleep in his/her preferred safe location. I am so serious about this one. So serious that I made it my number one tip. That's serious. 

2. Encourage your husband in his new role. This is HARD but so, so life-changing. I did not do this well at first, so please hear me out. Postpartum hormones are crippling. Sleep deprivation is brutal. Screaming babies are soul-crushing. But your husband is on your side and he needs your support, too. Give him a chance to do things for your baby, even if you think your way is better. Let him change some diapers and have some snuggles. Try to carve out quiet time for just the two of you to snuggle and talk together when the baby is sleeping. Try to apologize quickly if you yell at him for something inconsequential. Try to explain your flow of tears, but also help him to know that sometimes tears (especially post-partum) have no logical explanation and that's normal. Try to ask how he is doing and try to listen well, even if your beautiful, perfect, amazing baby is there distracting you both. 

3. Ask for help, but set some limits. I really wanted my parents to come as soon as possible after Charlotte was born but I couldn't handle the idea of a crying newborn interrupting their sleep. I asked them to come and they (very graciously) agreed to stay somewhere else at night for three nights. Their help and presence during the day was invaluable, but I think it really helped us unite as a little family to be without them during the long, hard nights. Joel, Charlotte, and I figured things out on our own and I'm so grateful for that time. 

4. If you really want to breastfeed, don't give up. Our first three days were soooo rocky. They were probably the hardest days of my life. But now that we are past them, breastfeeding is easy and awesome. I got great support from some local lactation consultants, as well as my midwife, which made a big difference. I also bought a nipple shield, which saved my butt. I also knew Joel was on my team and he did whatever he could to be encouraging and helpful- total game changer. (Also- if you don't breastfeed, that's fine, and you need to give yourself some grace about it.)

5. Get some post-partum necessities. You can check out my pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding board on Pinterest, or just Google what to have at home after delivering a baby, but there are some drugstore-type things that will make recovery a lot smoother and more comfortable. Email me if you want specifics but there are lots of good lists online so I will spare you the details here.

6. Rest. Sleep. Stay in bed for 2 days, only getting up to shower, use the bathroom, and change your baby. I know, I know, I know... Everyone says to rest but how can you rest when there is so much to be done? I am telling you that nothing needs to be done except caring for yourself, your husband, and your baby (and other children, if you have them!). The dishes and laundry and cleaning can wait, or they can be done by someone else. As soon as you come home, take a nap and lay around and gaze at your baby and revel in the newness. Just rest. Trust me- you will not regret it.

BONUS: a few great reads on this subject...
Own the Night
It's Their Day, Too
Infancy, Again.
Ten True Things
Things for Dads to Know about Birth
Things for Dads to Know about the First Few Weeks

What tips helped you make it through those early, hazy, newborn days?