Dear Charlotte 17: imitation games

My dear, sweet, wonderful girl, 

You are cracking us up lately! 

Sometimes at the dinner (or breakfast) table, I catch your dad just sitting and staring across the table. At you. :) 

When I catch his eye, he says, "I just like watching her."

And darling, I feel the same way.

You are amazing. We love you with our whole hearts. We are fascinated by the way you are growing. 

Something new in your development is the art of imitation. You have started mimicking things we do, acting them out on your beloved stuffed animals. 

You pat your owl's back, and make your bear lay down and snore. 

You bring Lily to the table, attempt to buckle her into your booster, and "feed" her some of your snack, lunch, or dinner. 

You rock your baby doll and say "Shhhhh...."  to comfort her. 

Sometimes I find you in the bathroom, holding your turtle over the little potty in the corner. 

When we walk down the street, you call "Bye byeeeee" to every animal, plant, car, and house we pass on our way. You give your animals books to read, as you all sit squashed together in your crib. 

Charlotte girl, I am proud of you. I love being your momma. I'm excited for you to meet your brother soon, and to learn to care for him. 

Dear Charlotte 16; road trip

Dear Charlotte, 

Last Wednesday we drove away from the first house you ever called home. We spent ten hours in the car going to visit your uncle in Ohio, and then six more hours (two days later) getting to Michigan. We've gotten some great play time in already, and a lot of memories are being made. 

I never want to forget your little voice calling, "Momma!! Momma!!",  whenever I walk downstairs without you. I never want to forget your look of pure joy as you splash in the tub or dump water onto yourself with a plastic cup. I never want to forget how carefully your Dada held you as you ran into Lake Michigan, or the way you squealed as the tiny waves rolled over your legs. 

I never want to forget how many baby food pouches you have consumed in the last month [okay, actually, I do kind of want to forget that...]. I never want to forget how much you grew and how many words you learned and how many adventures we had at highway service plazas. 

This is a hard season, little worm. It was a sad transition to leave our home, and it's tricky to maintain a positive outlook as we travel across the country. 

But you, my daughter, you are an absolute delight. 

I LOVE spending time with you and playing with you and caring for you and talking to you. I love you so very much, my babe. 

Kisses,

Momma

Dear Charlotte, 15: we're moving

Little bean,

You are gloriously clueless about all the big changes to come. You have no idea that in a month we will no longer live in this town or be part of our church, or that so many people here will miss your sweet face like crazy. 

It breaks my heart that these loved ones who have invested in you so seriously for a long time will soon be thousands of miles away. I can't imagine finding new friends, a new neighborhood, a new church, that could ever fill the void of the ones we are leaving here. Countless people have brought us meals, given us (often free!) child care, invited us for play dates, emailed us to check in, etc. etc. etc. 

The Lord has blessed us abundantly with living here for this season of life and I am forever grateful for the way he helped our family get connected as we grew in Him. 

You were born in this community, baby, and I will always hold in my heart the beautiful memories of the day you joined our family. Taking three hot showers, pacing the upstairs hallway, packing up our bags, riding to the birth center... 

I will always remember bringing you home for the first time to this beautiful home, and the first time we put you in the crib in your room. I will remember you crawling up the steps, and learning to walk, and exploring our back yard in your bare feet. I will remember you watching buses from our front "porch" and pointing at the tiny rabbit who lives under the steps next door. 

Charlotte girl, you will know Washington as your home, and while I am grateful for the adventures ahead, I'm crying as I mourn the loss of our life here. This house, these people, this church, and this community were your home for 16 wonderful months, and I will never forget them. 

I love you, and am so grateful for your life,

Momma

Dear Charlotte, 14

Dear big girl,

I'm constantly blown away by reality: you are not a baby any more. This reality simultaneously breaks my heart and billows me up with pride.

Today before your afternoon nap, I heard you opening the bathroom cabinet doors. You're allowed to play in there, but since some of your favorite "toys" are medicines and shaving cream bottles, I like to keep a pretty close watch on this particular play location. :)

I watched as you carefully stepped over the edge, from the bathroom into the hallway, holding onto the door frame with one hand. The other hand was carefully cradling a full bottle of shaving cream. Once over the threshold, you tottered into your room and added said bottle to the already full collection of toiletries on your bedroom floor.

The total count was five items: a mini toothpaste, a mini aftershave, two shaving creams, and a travel contact lens case. You'd made a perfectly neat pile on your changing mat and were on your way back to the bathroom for more treasures when I interrupted to say it was bedtime.

I carried the items back into the bathroom and you carefully (and cheerfully!) put each item back into the cupboard before taking my hand and walking into your room once again.

Goodness, you are growing up so wonderfully. I am proud of you and I love you. You make me laugh and your life brings me incredible joy. I love you, little worm.

10,000 kisses,
Momma

Dear Charlotte, 13

Charlotte Adeline,

You are more fun now than you have ever been. I love your 14.5 month self sooooo much! 

You are silly, smart, and stubborn. Every day you communicate more and understand more of what I say. Every day you wake up smiling, ready to play and read and eat and explore. Every day you give hugs and snuggles and forehead "kisses".

You have figured out how to take a few cautious steps while carrying a toy. 

You are a master at racing your wooden police car down the hallway. 

Yesterday you climbed onto the coffee table and sat there, happily playing blocks without a care in the world.

I taught you to say "baby" in the van last weekend. My heart nearly breaks to see your little mouth move perfectly to form the word. You giggle proudly and clap your hands when I say, "Yay!!" 

We both get tired, little one. My belly is growing and you are getting taller and heavier each day. I get winded carrying you up the stairs and I know you aren't getting quite as many pick-ups as I could give you last month. I try my absolute hardest to make up for it by giving extra kisses, and sitting with you on my lap, and wrestling with you on the floor. 

Today I pushed you too long in hopes of your nap coordinating with the other little boy I watch. (Selfishly, I was wiped and wanted some time to read or take a nap.) But by the time I put you to bed, you were overtired and hungry and just upset. I brought up some grapes and snuggled you on my lap, where I bit each in half and handed the pieces to you, one at a time. We read three more books and I swayed by your crib as I sang the words to "This Little Light of Mine." You fussed a bit when I left the room, but I saw you snuggling your two Screech owls, burrowing your little head into the mattress. You were silent within minutes. 

I wish I could say that I'll always be able to comfort you so easily.

Xoxo, 

Momma

Dear Charlotte, 12

Dear little love,

The ground outside is still sopping wet and some places have snow, but spring fever has got us bad. All day long, you stare curiously out the window and then you squeal with delight the second I open the front door. You wave to the birds, the trees, the passing cars...

We've gone to the playground three times in the past ten days. And all three times you've come home with your pants, jacket, and shoes completely covered with wet, soggy wood chips. Today I finally wised up and put on your black leggings before we left the house (they won't stain!). You think the slide is the best thing ever, and you are very interested in climbing back UP it once you slide down. After a few attempts, you scoot to the ground, crawl around, climb up the steps, and then wriggle your little feet up so you can go down the slide again. Backward. On your tummy. 

It's basically the cutest thing ever and my heart beams with pride as I watch.

I try to stand back and give you space to explore. I try to ignore how dirty you are getting, and I cheer when you successfully land at the bottom of the slide without falling onto your knees in the mud. 

Whenever you want something (anything!) you give the sign for more.

"More what?", I ask. "More hugs? More Momma? More fun?"

You never answer to tell me specifically what you want more of. But I can tell you this, my girl: I will always want more of you, more of your giggles, more of your joy, more of your curiosity. I'm so darn grateful for these times we have together. xoxo. 

Dear Charlotte, 11

Dear little girl (You can hardly be called a baby nowadays),

You are a crawling, standing, cruising, scooting, climbing, biking machine... And I love it.

It brings my heart so much joy to see you moving and playing all over our house. Your favorite activity of late is to ride your little Y-Bike around the first floor... from the front door, across the living room, through the dining room, and into the kitchen. You've basically mastered getting over the little hump between the dining room and kitchen, and you can go SO fast from one place to the next.

It's funny, though, because you can't get off the bike. When you are done, you ride over to me and hold up your arms to be helped. You're always making some noise to get my attention. I try to treasure these little hints that you need me; your independence is wonderful, but you are growing up so fast that sometimes I'm a tiny bit sad.

\

Oh, and another awesome thing about you lately, little worm?! YOUR GIGGLE. My word, that giggle is music to my tired ears. 

You giggle when you see someone you love, when you hug a stuffed animal, when you throw yourself onto our bed, when you fall back into a pile of pillows you've gathered on the floor, and when you are wrestling with your dad. You get really close to giggling when you concentrate really hard and stand up on your own for 20-30 seconds at a time. But the giggle doesn't quite happen because you are working so hard and feeling so big and cool.  

Gosh I love you, Charlotte girl. You make me so proud. 

xoxo, Momma

Dear Charlotte, 9

Dear baby (big) girl,

This week I have been overwhelmingly proud of the way you are growing up. One morning I cried as I told you how much I love you and admire you. Your puzzled face as tears flowed down mine made me giggle, but still I cried. 

Here's what did it: you have this fun stacking toy from IKEA that you've been using for months, but only to tip it upside down and dump all the pieces on the floor. Your dad thinks it's hilarious and tries to re-stack it again quickly before you come back to dump it again. :) 

But one day this week you started putting it back together all.by.yourself. With much concentration and very careful effort, you put each piece onto the peg and (over time) filled the whole toy with the rings. I was impressed with your dexterity, but what really struck me was the way you persevered...

Because the rings in the holes are small, it takes a lot of work to get the rings onto the peg perfectly. You have to get an exact aim and balance, all at once. Over and over, the ring would fall onto the floor and you would pick it back up and try again. And then again. And again. You played with that toy for over fifteen minutes, babe, and only at the very end of that time did you get frustrated and whimper out of annoyance. It kind of broke my heart to see you frustrated, but I was really amazed at how long it took for that to happen. 

You blow me away, Charlotte girl. I love to watch you play and learn and grow and develop. I am so proud of the way you keep trying when things are tough and I respect your positive attitude in the midst of frustration. You inspire me to be more patient, kinder, and gentler. You are bringing out my best parts, and I am so grateful. 

I love you sweet babe, 

Momma 

teething today // 2

Teething today is you sitting on my lap while you play. When I put you down and sneak away to grab a drink or fix lunch or use the bathroom, you play for a few short minutes before whining and looking around for me again.

Teething today is bringing back the infant pacifier. The one you used for about a month but haven't touched in a long, long time. Teething today means you want it to hold and chew and move around in your little mouth. 

Teething today is some tears at nap time. And a middle of the night wake up where only nursing would suffice. 

Teething today is some extra snuggles and a few more rides in the ring sling. 

That was teething yesterday. This is teething today.

teething today // 1

The teething times have begun, folks, so I'm documenting our experience. 
Here's what teething today looked like...

To Charlotte,

I've eaten a quick lunch and just barely started writing some work emails when I hear you wake up crying 35 minutes after you finally put yourself to sleep. I know it's teething because you can usually nap for at least an hour, and I know you're still tired because you normally wake up cooing, smiling like a Cheshire cat.

The tears are streaming down your face and your nose is dripping buckets. You've gotten onto your belly and are just too tired and sad to roll yourself back. Pushed up onto your hands, you lock eyes with me the second I open your door. I decide (for once) to try nursing you back to sleep again. You cry and writhe until you're latched on, then drink quietly and quickly fall asleep in my arms.

This never happens; you haven't taken a nap on me in months. You are a mover and a shaker. Not a snuggler. We've taught you to sleep in your crib and you do it well (except when growing new teeth, apparently). Nursing is my only chance to hold you close while you're relaxed and still, and even then you are ready to rock'n'roll as soon as you finish eating. So I decide to relish this opportunity; you're snuggled up peacefully, getting the rest you need, and your room is cool and dark.

I'm not comfortable as we sit. The thrift store rocking chair we have in your room isn't great for longer than the time it takes to read a few short books. My tailbone is falling asleep and my right arm aches. You weigh at least 17 pounds now and I'm not used to holding you in one position for long periods of time.

I mentally commit to letting you sleep on me until you wake up by yourself. Or until 3pm. Whichever comes first. "I love you but an hour of this holding thing might make me a little crazy," I think.

But then I start to watch you. The flutter of your feathery, dark, mascara-commercial lashes. The twitch of your little hand. The way your eyelids flicker; I wonder what you are dreaming. The purse of your lips and the arch of your s-shaped brows. Tears prick my eyes as I see your face contort with pain or fear or sadness (I'll never know which). But then I almost laugh aloud as your perfect mouth turns into a grin. My heart aches with love.

Eventually you're sleeping deeply. I can feel you relax and your body becomes heavier. I adjust you slightly in an attempt to be more comfortable, but still you rest on my right arm and you're cuddled up close to my chest. My arm is still aching and I'm tired. But so happy. So content.

At 2:58pm your eyes open.

You wiggle to sit up and begin to look around. We make eye contact. You sit quietly on my lap, checking out your room as if you're in it for the first time. Then you start kicking happily, cooing, and smiling like a Cheshire cat.

It's worth it, little one. My aching arm. The emails that never got written. The unfinished load of laundry, still sitting in the washer at 8pm. You're worth it. I thank God for giving me you and for giving me the chance to hold you while you sleep.

Teething today was holding you, feeding you, comforting you, and helping you sleep. Teething today was maddening and confusing and precious and life-giving.

Dear Charlotte, 8

Dear little worm,

I have tried to marvel lately at your sassy little self. The way your toes point when you kick them in the air. How your eyelashes flutter when you are drowsy. The feel of your hands on my arm, or my shoulder, or my knee. Your uncanny ability to turn your neck incredibly far in both directions so you can see whatever is outside your peripheral vision. The way you giggle when I tickle your cheeks or your feet. How you roll and roll and roll and squirm and roll some more, to get the toy that has caught your attention. Your ability to play quietly and happily while I work. Your toothy grin greeting us after naps. The way you smile at strangers and wave your hands excitedly.

Your personality is really starting to shine. I can see some independence and some sass and some tenderness, all mixed up.

One funny story- yesterday you were ready to nurse before I had eaten lunch so I was super hungry myself. I grabbed a cheese stick to eat while I fed you, but you were distracted by me having it so nearby. I set you on the bed to grab a burp cloth and half a second later you were reaching for my cheese stick and putting it into your mouth. Like, "Oh, Mom, you aren't feeding me fast enough so I'll just take matters into my own hands." Ha!

I love you, Charlotte,
Momma 

Dear Charlotte, 7

 

Dear Charlotte, 

You have been growing and changing so much lately! I can't believe how different you look, often from one day to the next. I am crazy about the new excited scream you like to make as you play happily.

There were a lot of nights during our vacation when you would wake up CRYING a very sad, pitiful cry, anywhere from 7:30 and 10pm. This happened after you had been in bed, asleep, for a while. We were so startled to hear you crying that we instantly come into your room and scoop you up. Sometimes I nurse you, or your dad holds you close and rocks you back to sleep. One night Grandmom was with you and she read you one of your books quietly to help you settle down. It's a mystery and it makes us very sad. 

But girl, your smile is to.die.for. That gummy grin makes us feel like a million bucks. And those lashes... Good grief! 

You are a charmer and your parents have fallen for you. Hard. We love you so much and are very proud of you.

Dear Charlotte, 6

Dear Charlotte,

I don't know how you can possibly grow any bigger but it seems to me you have hit the six month growth spurt... You have been eating and sleeping like crazy lately! Sometimes I look at the clock, realize it's noon and that you have already eaten four times in about 6 hours. You've been waking up in the middle of the night, which isn't so great. But when you wake up playing, smile at me as I change your diaper, happily eat a meal, then put yourself back to sleep peacefully... I can't be annoyed. You are just so darn awesome. 

We have a lot of fun together, you and I. You have proven yourself to be incredibly patient and flexible with me, as I figure out this mothering thing. We sit outside and watch the cars. You "help" me make dinner in your stroller or the sling. We play on the floor. You lean on me while you sit up and play, after you've gotten tired of sitting all on your own. 

One thing you really don't like is the sound of our food processor. Today it broke my heart when you began SOBBING as I pulsed the basil for some homemade pesto. I immediately picked you up and smothered you with kisses. Then I moved you far away from the kitchen, turned on some music, and put the fan on full blast. Unfortunately, you still got upset when I started it again and your whole body was shaking as tears came streaming down your chubby cheeks. I'm sorry, sweet girl. I'm sorry it startles you so much, and I'm sorry your Daddio wasn't here to comfort you. Usually he holds you close while I use that dang machine and you don't seem to mind as much. 

Little lady, I can't believe how much I love you. I can't fathom how one tiny girl can steal my heart and bring me such joy. You are wonderful, baby. 

Love, Momma

Dear Charlotte, 5

Dear baby,

You are awesome! I love the way you wiggle and kick while nursing. Little gymnast, maybe?! I can't wait to see what passions and interests you have. You don't currently seem to be at all interested in napping. But you usually sleep for 12 hours straight at night (so I don't really feel like it's legitimate to complain about the nap issue). 

I like how sometimes, when music is playing, you sit silently in your swing just staring into space. And listening. Then you randomly smile as if you like what Pandora is playing for your little ears. Then you get quiet again as you listen some more. 

We are pretty sure nobody will call you a laid back baby. You are on the move. Constantly. You are attentive and active and curious and sassy. Good thing you enjoy hanging out in carriers because otherwise my arms would be exhausted. 

Speaking of my arms, they are getting toned! Carrying you so much AND the occasional car seat swinging to lull you to sleep are making Momma buff! :) 

Recently we were shopping and you were fussing at me. I couldn't get a single smile! Then we ran into a friend and she took one look at you and got an enormous grin! I couldn't even be jealous because I was so shocked. "Mom, don't you realize you are boring me?" You seemed to be saying... :) 

One other thing I love?! Watching you and your daddio together. Yesterday you were so grouchy with me. But when Dad came in you gave him THE biggest grin. Then you sat quietly on the couch with him while the Tigers game was on. He was whispering to you and you were looking and listening and watching the TV. I glanced over, my heart burst, and I thanked my lucky stars for the two of you. 

Charlotte Adeline, I love you so much. Your five month old self is your best yet and I can't wait to see what our future holds. 

xoxo, Mom

Dear Charlotte, 4

Little one, 

You are a mystery to us! At 6:45 tonight I started nursing you. By 7:15 your tummy was full and you were fast asleep in my arms. I set you in the crib and you stayed soundly asleep. I came downstairs, made dinner, talked to your dad, and sat down to eat. We figured you were out for the night. 

At 8:30 you started whimpering, then fussing louder, then full out crying. I went up and snuggled you, but you weren't happy with that and you cried harder when I put you back down. We waited about 5 minutes, then your daddio came up to try the same thing. You screamed bloody murder at him and wouldn't settle down a bit. 

After a few more minutes, we came up together. We changed your diaper and quietly read a book together. Then your dad kissed you goodnight and I put your owl in your arms. 

You snuggled up to me and held your owl tightly. After 2 minutes I put you quietly in your crib and kissed your chubby cheeks. 

Not a peep was hard on the monitor and when I checked in 10 minutes later, you were completely asleep! 

We are dumbfounded! We cannot fathom why you woke up or why you settled so easily after that. You sure keep us on our toes, Charlotte Adeline! 

Lots of love, 

Momma

Dear Charlotte, 3

Dear little love,

At 4am today, after crying on and off from 7-9pm, then again at 11pm, you were awake and needing some comfort nursing. I was utterly exhausted and completely losing my patience. I decided to change your wet dipe before letting you eat more on the other side. Your diaper was dry, your sleep sack was zipped up, and I handed you your screech owl lovey.

You immediately grabbed it, snuggled it up to your face, and rolled toward your left side. Before I could pick you up, you rolled toward your right side.

And fell 110% asleep. ON THE FLOOR!

I laughed, despite my worn-out self, and let you sleep there for the rest of the morning. Before your dad went to work I had him go in and look at your crazy little body, snoozing peacefully on the carpeted floor in your room.

Charlotte girl, I hope you are always a little bit silly and goofy and wacky. Even when you make me absolutely crazy tired and I can't think straight, I am so very proud to be your momma.

I love you, worm.

P.S. This photo was taken yesterday, when you were actually sleeping in your crib. That wasn't worthy of a blog post in itself, but you sure looked cute.

Dear Charlotte, 2

Dear baby girl,

You are snoozing in your crib right now. With your fan on, while wearing your swaddle sleep sack. One arm (your right) has broken free and you have it stretched up over your little head. You are breathing deeply and your long legs are out in front of you. My heart aches because you are so cute.

Darling, I can't believe how much I love you!

Sure, I make you do tummy time and you don't always enjoy it, but you are getting better and better with each passing day. I listen to you fuss because I want you to be healthy and strong. Because I love you.

And yes, I let you whimper a little when you are trying to fall asleep but that's because I want you to grow up independent and confident and sure of yourself. Because I love you so very much.

And would you believe how much I panicked upon coming into your room at 2am today and finding you perpendicular in your crib and stuck on.your.side.?! Oh, my heart! It leaped into my throat I was so startled. I probably should have had your dad come in to snuggle you back to sleep, since you weren't necessarily hungry until I picked you up and my smell made you decide it was time to eat. But Charlotte, I couldn't help myself. I was afraid that you were hurt and the fear of you getting stuck on your side made me so, so upset. I scooped you up and held you close. And than spent the next 35 minutes making sure you were fed and changed before settling you back to sleep.

I'm tired, little worm. Working long days and driving to and from the city is draining me. It's very hard to be a teacher and a wife and a friend and a daughter, and your mama.

But it's such an honor, too. This new job, the one where I snuggle and feed and comfort you and make you smile... Where I bathe you and change your dipes... Where I kiss your round cheeks and hold you in my ring sling while slicing veggies for dinner... This job is amazing.

Dear Charlotte, 1

Dear Charlotte,

This is a tricky post to write because I can't begin to put into words how completely smitten I have become since seeing your little face two months ago today.

Everything has changed. I'm myself, but not. You're here and now I am different, your dad is different, and our whole world is just a tiny bit better.

The song, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" now holds new meaning... When I listen to the words, I can't help but imagine future dance parties and sleepovers and nail painting. Your sweet face comes instantly to mind and I daydream about you growing up, hanging out with me, having adventures.

I'm only starting to get a glimpse of your little personality, but you are AWESOME! Inquisitive, sensitive, and a bit impatient. You love to stretch your growing body and look out the bathroom window. You stick out your tongue to explore anything within reach. You take your time waking up and you can't really handle the feeling of a wet, stinky cloth diaper on your bum.

People say you're my "mini me" and I think we definitely look alike. But you've got the look of your dad about you, too. Plus, you're just yourself in many ways. Not Joel or Kelly, just Charlotte.

Sweet girl, you are so much fun! I love you and I love being your mom. I am so grateful that God put you in our family. I'm so excited for our future together!

xoxo,
Mom