I wish someone had told me: Raising a baby abroad

Kelly and I were good friends in college, though in two different friend groups, as college social networks go. And then after college, we mostly lost touch. It took getting pregnant and having babies to reconnect, and it's been really encouraging to follow her life through this blog. And as she is a few steps ahead of me (toddler and a newborn, hurray!), it's nice to see what's coming as well :) So it's an honor to be able to write here and share some of what I have learned since having my sweet girl. 

I wish someone had told me that no one can tell you everything. Actually, I think my mother did say something like that...but I suppose in pride I ignored her comment. Maybe I was naive when I was pregnant, reading up on all the various methods out there on every subject to do with babies, though I suppose we're all naive at that point. Either way, the first year of my daughter Aylin's life was full of "Why can't someone just tell me WHICH method to use!?" and many tears of confusion. 

I should explain my context for my pregnancy, birth, and now life with Aylin. My husband and I live in the Middle East, in Amman, Jordan. My husband is working with an agricultural venture called Aquaponics, but more than that, we're here because we felt that God wanted us to give our lives to loving those different from us, and proclaiming who Jesus Christ is to those who have never heard. So even though life here is very different from our home culture in America, we did chose to be here and we are always trying to expand our worldview, learn from those around us. And there is much to learn from Arabs, though currently they are not the most popular in the world. God is growing our love. 

So being in Jordan has added, perhaps, an extra layer to the complexities of starting a family. We know that no matter how hard we try to fit in, we will never be Arabs. We will always lean towards viewing our American ways of doing things more correct, even if not more Biblical. We often find ourselves caught between two cultural ways of doing things, without being certain if either one is helpful or a method that has good results. It's a bit of a juggling game, and very humbling. 

I'm a pretty confident personality, prone to pride as one of my biggest sins, and love to research, apply what I've learned, and spread the news to everyone. A bit annoying, I know. So I think the first year of Aylin's life (she is 16 months now) I was hoping one method of sleep, routine, nursing, SOMETHING would be one I could proudly say "THIS works, hands down, and this is the way it should be done." 

As you can guess, I needed to learn that no baby fits into any one method or theory. Aylin is unique, and so are we as her parents and as a couple, and our cross-cultural context is unique. There is no sleep training blog for mothers who are American, raised in Turkey (did I mention that?), but living in a Muslim, Arab world. I needed to learn a deep dependence on the Lord for wisdom and strength, not just the answers I find on Pinterest. And I haven’t arrived; I'll struggle with wanting to pin down (hehe) one right way for my whole life. 

Perhaps one of my most important realizations, through my husband's help, has been that we need to protect and guide Aylin in whatever country or culture we find ourselves in, not just protect our "methods." A few examples: Here, anyone and EVERYONE feels free to take your baby from you, pass her around, kiss her. That can be in church, a restaurant (the waiters), the grocery store, police officers...you get the picture. And because she is fair skinned, blue eyed, and a mini extrovert who waves at everyone, she easily gets this attention. And most of the time we don't mind, but there are times we have to be slightly rude and say "that's enough, she needs to come back to us" or "no, you can't take her picture anymore." In Jordan there are very set ways of raising children, rarely questioned, but we've had to put our foot down at times. There are many old wives tales that everyone happily informs us about as truth, that we've had to say "sorry, that's actually not true, and we know what our own daughter needs." One being, how we dress her. You never see young babies here because whenever they are outside they are completely covered in heavy fleece blankets. No face at all. They believe that a baby gets a cold from any exposure to cold. And people were always trying to cover her whole face, or give us their own blankets to smother her with, which we had to resist. Or urge me to start feeding her "real" food too early even though I was breastfeeding, which I also had to refuse. 

In thinking through our methods, we've also had to learn to hold them loosely, allow them to change as circumstances change. We attempt to feed Aylin healthy food at home, because outside of the house, locals are constantly handing her chocolate bars, gum, candy. Some we refuse, stuff in my purse, but other times we let her indulge so as not to be rude. We try to keep Aylin's bedtime and nap time somewhat routine, but there is no such thing here (ha!)...babies and toddlers seem to just collapse wherever they are, and it's completely normal to see tiny children out at 10 or 11 at night. And so at times we awkwardly say we can't go to events due to Aylin needing sleep, but other times, we ask her to be a bit more tired than any of us would like. 

I think we're slowing learning a sort of balance with all of these challenges. I'm so thankful that we don't walk this road alone, and that we're continually being stretched. We're learning to laugh at stressful situations and live out the old adage: "Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape." 

How to drive across country with a toddler, part 1: hotel stays

So, this morning as Charlotte was peacefully napping in our hotel room, I start mentally writing a blog post. I'm highlighting all the things we did well, and bragging on my amazing, wonderful, flexible daughter. 

And of course, tonight, as I'm actually physically typing out the post, Charlotte is rolling around in her bed, talking to herself, after standing up twice and asking for water at least three times. Humble pie for dessert, me thinks. 

But the imperfection of tonight's bedtime aside, we have been on the road in our cross-country move for over two weeks now. We should arrive in Washington tomorrow night, and we won't have to travel again for a long, long time [Praise.The.Lord]. 

Before our trip, I did a bunch of research, and some friends gave me a few good tips. We have had a VERY successful time staying in a hotel with Charlotte and I want to share some of the things that worked for us, in case any of you are crazy enough to plan a cross country trip with a toddler. 

Here goes:

1. If at all possible, stay in a suite every night. We had four nights in hotels and the absolute best experience was one where we had an actual suite... Meaning that Charlotte had an entire living room to herself, while our bedroom door could close and we could talk to each other after she fell asleep, and read with the lights ON. I think sometimes a suite can cost more, but I would definitely say it's worth the cost. 

2. Bring a large sheet and 5-10 thumb tacks. This is so important!! My friend Melissa found this tip and it saved our sanity. Every night, even in the suite, we would section off Charlotte's bed with a sheet, thumb tacked to the wall in two places. This prevented her from looking all around the room as she settled down and also meant that she couldn't see us if she woke up in the middle of the night. She stirred sometimes, but always put herself back to sleep and didn't get us up in the middle of the night at all during our hotel stays. Amazingly, hotel walls are compatible with thumb tacks-- maybe because they are made of sound proofing material...? 

3. Also bring- a fan for white noise, whatever your child sleeps with at night (for us it's a sleep sack and two owl loveys).

4. Keep the bedtime routine as consistent as possible. Every night, Joel said goodnight to Charlotte, then left the room while I turned on the fan (And turned off the light), gave her a milk cup, put on her sleep sack, read three books, and gave a drink of water. I put her to bed more often than he does at home, so we kept that consistency, and her bedtime routine, in an attempt to make things normal. 

5. If possible, use your own travel crib (and also if possible- have your child sleep in it a few days at home before your trip, to practice). Hotels usually have a crib you can borrow, but I really think the consistency of using our travel crib made it easier for Charlotte to sleep in a new place every night. 

6. Only go to hotels with swimming pools. For real. After being in the car for hours and hours, swimming is a great way to get some energy out. Twice Joel took C swimming while I drove to get dinner, got her bed set up, or planned our day's adventures, or just took a short rest. Another night all three of us went together and had a great time. Charlotte LOVES the water, so playing in the pool was an absolute blast. 

7. Finally, try to be patient and flexible. It's not easy to share a bedroom with a toddler, especially under the stressful circumstances of traveling across country. There were many moments of difficulty, particularly the last morning of our travels when Charlotte woke up at 5am. We were beyond exhausted, but just decided to pack up and hit the road, since it wouldn't do any of us any good to hang out in the hotel room being stressed or annoyed. Joel did a GREAT job leading the charge that day and helping me maintain a good attitude. 

Dear Charlotte, 15: we're moving

Little bean,

You are gloriously clueless about all the big changes to come. You have no idea that in a month we will no longer live in this town or be part of our church, or that so many people here will miss your sweet face like crazy. 

It breaks my heart that these loved ones who have invested in you so seriously for a long time will soon be thousands of miles away. I can't imagine finding new friends, a new neighborhood, a new church, that could ever fill the void of the ones we are leaving here. Countless people have brought us meals, given us (often free!) child care, invited us for play dates, emailed us to check in, etc. etc. etc. 

The Lord has blessed us abundantly with living here for this season of life and I am forever grateful for the way he helped our family get connected as we grew in Him. 

You were born in this community, baby, and I will always hold in my heart the beautiful memories of the day you joined our family. Taking three hot showers, pacing the upstairs hallway, packing up our bags, riding to the birth center... 

I will always remember bringing you home for the first time to this beautiful home, and the first time we put you in the crib in your room. I will remember you crawling up the steps, and learning to walk, and exploring our back yard in your bare feet. I will remember you watching buses from our front "porch" and pointing at the tiny rabbit who lives under the steps next door. 

Charlotte girl, you will know Washington as your home, and while I am grateful for the adventures ahead, I'm crying as I mourn the loss of our life here. This house, these people, this church, and this community were your home for 16 wonderful months, and I will never forget them. 

I love you, and am so grateful for your life,

Momma

Guest bloggers and topics needed!

Friends!

In less than a month, Joel, Charlotte, and I will pack up our van to start our drive west to Everett. 

While on the road (for about three weeks) it will be difficult for me to post regularly in this space. I would LOVE to have a few guest writers who can post content during that time. I'd also be grateful for input about what kind of things you readers would like to see. If you have a blog post idea, I might be able to think of a guest blogger who could cover that topic... 

So! Leave a comment below if you are interested in writing a guest post and/or if you have something you are interested in reading here on the blog as I move across country. 

Some ideas: great children's toys, travel locations, family traditions, more weekly meal planning, capsule wardrobe inspiration, etc. etc. 

Charlotte goes to Virginia (for the second time)

In the beginning of May, my mom took Charlotte and me to visit my Granddad in Virginia. It was Charlotte's second time there, and this trip was MUCH easier than the first. Ha.

Some of the highlights of our quick there-and-back visit include playing on the swing outside, exploring a new house, climbing new stairs, playing on the beach, seeing a lot of dogs, looking at trucks out the car window, eating good meals, and spending time with those we love. 

Charlotte was a total champ in the car (about 13 hours round trip) and slept a lot better in her travel crib this time than she did last April. Thanks, Mom, for the girls' road trip. :)

It's always worth it

Last Thursday morning found Joel, Charlotte, and I on a six-hour road trip to Rochester, New York. Some of my college friends and I had planned a long-weekend mini reunion, to include eight adults, three one year olds, and a German Shepherd.

Charlotte was a champ in the car and was (of course!) totally beside herself with excitement upon meeting said German Shepherd. She didn't sleep well most nights, and there were lots of tears at nap time. She fed the dog directly from her high chair tray and crawled after the other kids, pushing a musical walking you all weekend long. 

On Sunday as we drove home, I realized all three of us were totally exhausted. The break in routine, the driving, the night wake ups, the adjustments to our "schedule"... All those things require a significant amount of physical, emotional, and mental energy.

But we were all smiling. Being with these friends gave me new life, new energy. Seeing my friends as parents and home owners and professionals can bring tears of joy to my eyes, if I think about it long enough. Watching Charlotte play with the boys (and the dog!) is a memory I will never forget. 

Our friendships and our get-togethers are different nowadays. We went to bed pretty early and woke up very early. More coffee was consumed than we ever drank in college. We interrupted our conversation to change a diaper or distract a toddler from jumping off the couch. But we made meals together, and sat around chatting, and ate dinner together, and explored the city, and played outside, and did the dishes, and chatted some more, and went out for dessert, and chatted a bit more. And then changed another dirty diaper. ;) 

So yeah, adventures with littles look quite different, and in many ways are more difficult (and more tiring!!). But reuniting with people we love is a good, life-giving adventure. And it's always worth it. 

the season of YES

Last week Joel and I announced to our students some big news for our family: in July, we are moving across the country to the city of Everett, Washington.

The doors that have opened for us in the last few years are completely unbelievable to me now, looking back.

We had a hard season of NO, where I lost my job, we failed to get pregnant though we desperately wanted to grow our family, and Joel was turned down for multiple school leadership positions. God remained constant and faithful, despite our doubts and fears.

We are overwhelmed with gratitude to now be in a season of YES!

Yes, we got pregnant and delivered a healthy, beautiful baby girl! Yes, I got a teaching job. Yes, I got a perfect part-time job that allowed me to stay home with Charlotte most days. Yes, our daughter is growing well and just turned one!

And yes, finally, Joel gets to pursue his dream of becoming a Christian school principal.

In early December, a small Christian school in Washington flew all three of us to the Seattle area so Joel could spend a long weekend interviewing, meeting students, talking with teachers, and getting to know the area. It was an intense weekend and we were all exhausted. Three days after we returned home, they called to say the school board had voted unanimously to call Joel as their next principal. He accepted the job two days later.

We've managed to keep the news close for a while, since we needed to coordinate how/when to tell our students. Joel wanted to talk to his classes on the same day I announced to my junior high students, so there wouldn't be any spreading of the news around town. Now that it's out in the open, expect a few more blog posts as I process the huge adjustments to come.

I go back and forth between elation and heartbreak, sometimes changing my mind every minute. I've come to call this place home and I mourn the loss of our house, our neighborhood, Joel's school community, our church, my job, and our local friends. At the same time, we are so incredibly grateful for God's provision in giving Joel this job and giving our family this opportunity to travel and grow and adventure together.

Charlotte's first Christmas!

It's hard to believe that Charlotte is almost a year old AND that time has gone so fast since last Christmas (when I was very pregnant and very ready for her to be born!). We had a wonderful celebration of Jesus' birth as we witnessed our little girl taking in the wonder of the season.

Here are a few photos, if you'd like to see:

Before driving to Michigan, the three of us opened presents together. We gave Charlotte her four gifts & I had a few small things for Joel to unwrap. It was a precious time for our little family.

Charlotte had a blast with her extended family and some friends in Michigan. She didn't sleep very well in her travel crib at Grandma/Grandpa's house, but she enjoyed playing with her new toys and climbing their stairs.

Plane travel with a babe

This summer when I flew alone with Charlotte, things went very smoothly. Both times were short, one-way flights and we didn't have a layover. She was so young that she fell asleep nursing and slept heavily (aka: things didn't wake her up!). All I had to do was bounce or walk for 5 minutes and she would be out like a light. 

We recently did a bit more plane travel, and now that Charlotte is ten months old, I knew our experience would be quite different than the last time. 

So I prepared. I pinned a few blog posts on traveling with kids and toddlers. I bought a box of Cheerios. I packed both of our carriers (the ring sling and Ergo). I tried my hardest to pack lightly. Anyway, things went pretty smoothy and I want to share a few things we did that helped make the experience a success. 

1. Pray to the Lord that your babe is her usual friendly, sweet, curious self for the duration of your plane travel. Really, this had nothing to do with my preparations or planning, it's just fortunate for us that Charlotte is a great baby. 

2. Do not pre-board. I repeat: do not pre-board!! I got this tip from a blogger I love and it is seriously invaluable. This was actually much easier this time because Joel was with us. He took both of our backpacks and boarded when our zone was called. He got stuff all set up and secured a place for our carry-on suitcase. I waited until the absolute last second and stayed at the gate to let Charlotte crawl around, explore, visit with people, etc. Once we got on the plane, she was very interested in looking around the plane and we didn't have to entertain her while seated as long. Before our second flight, I knew Charlotte was exhausted and wouldn't fall asleep if I was just sitting down holding her on the plane, so I put her in the Ergo and covered her with the hood. I stood on the gangplank and bounced her to sleep while everyone boarded. Then I stood in the aisle next to our seat while the flight attendants did all their last minute preparations and just sat down once we were ready to take off. 

3. Bring "new" books and toys. Make sure they are small and lightweight. This made a big difference. I bought Charlotte a second hand book that had flaps, which she loves. I kept the book packed until our trip so it was new and interesting to her once we boarded. I also had a big ziploc of things that I could pull out one.at.a.time. I brought a small bunch of duplo blocks my mom gave us, a toilet paper tube, two small shaker toys, Cheerios, and her pacifier with owl clip (she loves to chew on the paci, even though she doesn't use it for comfort at all). 

4. Nurse or bottle feed during takeoff and landing. This really helps with the pressure changes, which apparently are especially hard for babies to handle. Fortunately for us, Charlotte was sleepy enough that she fell asleep while nursing on the descent of our last flight and stayed asleep even while the plane was emptying. This definitely made the whole waiting for our luggage and checking out a rental car process much smoother, since we had a well-rested girl on our hands. On our return flight, I nursed Charlotte during taxi/takeoff and kept her snuggled in the Ergo afterward; she ended up napping for over an hour, which was crucial in making the 4+ hour flight seem less, well, long. 

5. Get up and move around when the seatbelt sign is off, as much as possible. On our return flight I stood in the back galley, waiting to use the bathroom with a diaper changing spot. One of the kind flight attendants offered to hold Charlotte and talked to her and let her play with her necklace the whole time. Charlotte was thrilled to be engaged by someone other than Mom and Dad. Plus, it was a nice break for me, even though I was right there talking to the flight attendant myself. 

beach, beach baby

A few weeks ago Charlotte visited the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.

I knew from previous experience that she would be all about the water, but I wasn't sure how the sand and waves and hot sun would go.

It went great!

Our dear friends let us borrow their beach umbrella and it was AWESOME for keeping Charlotte cool and safe from the sun. I also read that baby powder removes sand from skin, so I took some along... amazing!

Charlotte played in the shallow water with me and with one of the junior high girls. She grabbed for the sand and rolled around on a big blanket under the umbrella. She also took a nap in the car both going to and coming from the beach, in addition to a short cozy nap in the ring sling after lunch.

I accidentally left my camera in my car at church (sad face!) but here are a few pictures from someone's iPod:

a family hike

One day recently, before Joel had to go back to school, we took a short family "hike" in our area. Joel wore Charlotte on his back in the Ergo and she LOVED it! I think she has a better range of motion when worn on the back- she can turn her head easily and see everything around her.

About 20 minutes in, she fell completely asleep and took a 40 minute nap. She woke up incredibly pleasant and played happily while we ate lunch together at a local cafe.

I'm so grateful for the memories we can make on the slow, easy days of summer. Once school starts we are all absorbed in the hustle and bustle; some quiet times are good for the soul.

summer vacation, part 3 (Poconos!)

Our big travels are over for the summer & we are happy to be home sweet home.

BUT! We had an awesome week with my parents in the Pocono mountains last week and I'd love to share a few photos of our adventures.

 

Our first full day was the only warm, sunny day we got all week! Fortunately, my parents looked at the weather and warned us in advance so we could take full advantage. The cabin where we stayed was very close to two lakes; we let Charlotte splash around in the smaller lake before we checked out the outdoor pool. Charlotte is such a fish! She was sooooo happy being in the water. 
Just look at her grin here:

Later in the week we took a boat tour of Lake Wallenpaupack, which was really interesting & beautiful. I figured Charlotte would sleep so I wore her in the Ergo. Much to my surprise (why do I continue to be surprised??), our social butterfly baby was far more enthused to be sitting on her dad's lap, looking around, and smiling at other passengers...

On our last full day, Charlotte was boycotting her morning nap so we decided to roll with it. We spent about an hour enjoying the indoor pool. I continue to be amazed at how much Charlotte likes to play in the water. She can kick her little feet and sometimes even splashes her hands as if she is "swimming." SO.DARN.CUTE!

On the days in between, we hung out together at our cabin. Charlotte did a lot of sitting up, playing with new toys, and trying new foods. She didn't sleep well at all, but seemed flexible enough to handle it okay. (Fortunately, as soon as we got home she went immediately back to her excellent patterns- falling asleep with little or no crying, and staying asleep through the night. Phew.)

Thanks, Mom & Dad, for sharing your Poconos vacation week with us!

summer vacation, part 2

For Charlotte's second big vacation of the summer, we traveled to Ohio and Michigan to visit friends and relatives. Charlotte got to see her uncles and grandparents again, and also got to meet some extended family members and Joel's good friends from high school & college.

I can't even believe how amazing Charlotte was in the car for all 16+ hours of driving AND our 7 hours of travel home (via plane and train). She was unbelievably flexible, patient, and sweet, and I fell even more in love with her during this trip! I feel so blessed to have time with our friends and family during the summer months. Watching Charlotte grow alongside her loved ones is an absolute joy!

Here are some sweet pictures of our time, if you'd like to see.

 (Charlotte with her Dad during a stretch/nursing stop in Ohio)

 (How else to pass the long hours in an uncomfortable car seat....?)

 (Joel is such an amazing Dad. Charlotte loves him so much and has an absolute blast playing with him!)