The journey to here

Around the time I lost my teaching job last June we had decided that the summer of 2012 was a great time to start a family. We were approaching our second anniversary and had grown a lot in marriage and life together. I think both Joel and I figured it could take a while to become pregnant, but we had very different definitions of what that meant. I imagined about 2-4 months and he expected a year or so. Turns out his expectations were much more realistic than mine.

Month after month was disappointing and scary and confusing to me... like, "Lord, we believe the desire to have children is from you. Why are you withholding this from us?," and "Is something wrong physically? Should I go to the doctor?"

Joel was unbelievably patient and supportive and godly. He was a great listener as I voiced my constant fears and doubts. He encouraged me to pray, talk to trusted friends, and ask my doctor her opinions. Of course, everyone said, "It can take a year," but I wouldn't listen. I wasn't convinced by anyone that this could be normal. I was daily crying out to the Lord and begging him to draw near. I blogged about some of the faith lessons I learned during the season of "No".

I was envious, I was stubborn, I was embarrassingly impatient. But God was so, so perfect.

The season of waiting felt so long and awful at the time. Not only were we outwardly waiting for a teaching job for me, we were (mostly) secretly longing to become parents. Looking back now, I am aware of two important things:

1. We didn't actually have to wait all that long. 10 months is nothing compared to those who are permanently infertile, who undergo special treatments in order to conceive, who are in the process of adopting, etc. My whining was foolish and very selfish.

2. The season of waiting was the time in my life where I called out to the Lord most desperately. My fear and confusion and self-pity could have overtaken my entire being. But the Lord was there, drawing me close, pointing out my tendency to control and my absolute need for him. I am a much better pregnant lady because of that season. I'll be a much better mom because of that season, too.

This blog post was written three days before we found out we were pregnant and I read it shortly after finding out. It's poignant and wise and sums up many of my thoughts.

Even though I had some initial fears about losing the baby early on, those 10 months of fully relying on God for comfort and peace have made me quite joyful in this pregnancy. I do NOT take the gift of growing a child for granted; I'm utterly grateful and humbled.