Wednesday, March 12, 2014

I was angry

When Charlotte was 5 days old and we were without power, staying overnight at our friends' house, she woke up sooner than I thought she should after being put to bed.

She wailed and wouldn't be soothed and as I rolled out of bed to pick her up to nurse, I was angry.

I held her, grabbed my shirt quickly up, and pulled her to me somewhat roughly.

As she latched on and began to eat, I immediately started sobbing, dripping tears on her little face- appalled at the way my heart had sinned against my tiny, hungry daughter.

I was so ashamed of my anger, so frustrated at myself for being annoyed at her utter baby-ness. She was hungry and upset and I had the means to soothe her, but I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I wanted her to sleep longer and I don't know, maybe... need me less....?

When I confessed my feelings and actions to Joel, he showed me much grace. He comforted me with the reality that I will sin against Charlotte so many more times in her life, but that Jesus offers forgiveness for even those sins I commit quietly in my heart. I cried again and have cried many times since that day, as I dwell on the reality of my heart and as I am frustrated with her many times for simply being a baby.

As overwhelming as my love for her can be, I'm also tired and emotional. I get angry when my dinner plans are interrupted and annoyed when I have to change yet another onesie in the middle of the night. My sweet daughter is, sadly, going to be very aware of my human-ness as she grows.
I only hope that this process of mothering Charlotte will draw me closer to Jesus and sanctify me more and more. I only hope that my baby will see Christ in me as I fail and confess and repent and change. And fail and confess and repent and change again. I only hope that I will show her grace and patience as she sins against me, and that I will point her to the cross every single time.

Also-- this post. Amazing. 

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