May 19th

One year ago yesterday we found out about Charlotte. We didn't know she was going to be Charlotte, but we were so, so excited to know a baby was on the way. Here's what I wrote that day, in all its raw emotion. 

After three minutes of waiting, and 11 months of trying, this morning we saw our first “pregnant” test result. I said, “Oh my gosh!!”and Joel came quickly across the hall, to the bathroom from the office, saying,“You’re pregnant?!”

We’ve done this drill before. He distracts himself while I pee on the stick. Then I putz around for three minutes, only to see the “not pregnant” result. Every single time. This time was different.

My hands shook as we hugged and kissed and hugged and kissed. 

“Congratulations, Mama” he whispered. 

I kept saying, “I can’t believe it. Can you believe it?” 

“No,” he would say.

I am seriously shocked. I cannot fathom that my good, miracle-working, forgiving God has chosen to give us this gift. Despite my ugly, nasty selfishness. Despite my doubt and fear and anger at his timing. Despite my despair and frustration every month.

The timing is seriously perfect. Halfway through my fast from blogs and social media. At a time when I am most in tune with God’s love for me and what it means to obey him at all costs. I am in utter disbelief and gratitude for this miracle of life. The life that has been made of our love, our marriage, simply because God chose to bring us together.

When I reflect on the painful eleven months we were hopingand praying for a baby, the timing really does make perfect sense. 

God wanted this to be His “Yes,” and my “THANK YOU.” 
Not my “All the things I tried finally worked.”

(One year later, I'm still filled with gratitude and awe that God has given us this beautiful gift)