I was trying to explain this to Joel before school this morning.
When we found out we were expecting, I was so so so excited. I was surprised, yes, and definitely relieved that nothing was wrong with me. But mostly I was just pumped. And I've continued to be really excited ever since.
Now? I'm mostly petrified.
I'm so nervous about how things will change. I'm so scared to mess up. I'm so preoccupied with balancing work and home and family and life in general.
How will a baby affect my marriage? Will I be able to maintain breastfeeding once I go back to work? How will I get my grading done? Will I lose friendships? Will the baby cry so loud she wakes up the neighbors? What if she gets really bad diaper rash? And how am I going to put these microscopic diapers around her little body? What if we pick the wrong pediatrician? What if she has fluid in her lungs when she's born? How do I know what humidifier to get? Will she sleep through the night ever? Will I be consumed by her at the cost of my other relationships? In my hormonal post-partum state will I try to make people wear full body armor to ensure she doesn't get their flu germs? Will I critique Joel and others on their care of the baby? Will I cry a lot? Will I have to get an episiotomy? How can I help my body heal and recover quickly? What if I can't sort out a good time to pump at work? What if my milk supply dwindles? Who can we get to watch the baby for the random in-between days/weeks? What if she gets sick and I'm at work? Whose insurance should she go on?
Okay, so in reality none of these things are earth shattering. And they actually don't even cover the fears related to my responsibility of raising a daughter. That's a whole post in itself!!
But somehow typing out my worries and concerns helps me feel a bit better about them. Some of my questions are irrational. Others can't be predicted. Others are solved by a little planning. They all need to be surrendered to a God who is sovereign and loving.