Wednesday, April 23, 2014
angst about the ants
I killed a bunch and quickly sprayed the counters with vinegar/water and wiped them down.
Then a few hours later I had to do the same thing, because the ants were still there. Only this time I removed every single appliance and random item from the counter and scrubbed the counters with a little more elbow grease. I kept making frustrated noises and exclaiming from the kitchen.
Joel patiently hugged me and told me he loved me and left me to my scrubbing. Things were clean but I still couldn't let it go. Having ants was making me so mad!
Once I started to analyze my frustration, I spent some time talking about it aloud with Joel...
I realized that the ants are just icing on my already chaotic and stressful cake.
The bottles get washed and the milk gets stored and the lunches get packed and the dinner gets prepared and the dishwasher gets run. We all eat healthy meals and take showers and Charlotte is clean and clothed. I get to snuggle and nurse my baby and I get to rest quietly with my husband. We are working hard and struggling to do it all, but it's not happening.
I know we are in a unique season. I know Charlotte won't be little forever and I'm fully confident that choosing to spend time with her, watch her grow, and invest in her daily, is absolutely the right choice.
But having a sink full of messy dishes and clutter all around my house is draining. Seeing those things makes me feel like a failure. And those stupid ants... they feel like the ultimate reminder that I'm not doing it all.